Collective grief and why we mourn the death of people we don’t know

Medical experts share the reasons we suffer a profound loss for strangers as the world pays tribute to Queen Elizabeth II

A well-wisher kisses the hand of King Charles III outside Buckingham Palace after the death on Thursday of Queen Elizabeth II. King Charles, who spent much of his 73 years preparing for the role, on Friday planned to meet the prime minister and address a nation grieving the only British monarch most of the world had known. He takes the throne in an era of uncertainty for his country and the monarchy itself. AP

King Charles III and Queen Consort Camilla arriving at Buckingham Palace, London, after travelling from Balmoral following the death of Queen Elizabeth II on Thursday. PA

King Charles and the queen consort outside Buckingham Palace. PA

King Charles and the queen consort view tributes left outside Buckingham Palace, London, after the death of Queen Elizabeth on Thursday. PA

King Charles greets well-wishers outside Buckingham Palace. AP

King Charles and the queen consort read messages left by mourners at Buckingham Palace in London. Queen Elizabeth II, Britain's longest-reigning monarch and a rock of stability through much of a turbulent century, died on Thursday, after 70 years on the throne. She was 96. AP

King Charles greets well-wishers at Buckingham Palace after the death on Thursday of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. AP

King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla view tributes left outside Buckingham Palace after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. PA

Outside Buckingham Palace on the first day of public mourning after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. The queen's death at the age of 96 marks the start of a tumultuous 10 days for the UK in which a queen is buried, a nation will mourn its longest-reigning monarch, and a new king is proclaimed. Bloomberg

King Charles during a walkabout to view tributes left outside Buckingham Palace. PA

King Charles outside Buckingham Palace on Friday. AP

King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla surrounded by crowds of well-wishers in London. Reuters

The car carrying King Charles and the queen consort arrives at Buckingham Palace with the Union Flag at half mast. Getty Images

People gather at the Queen Victoria Memorial opposite Buckingham Palace on Thursday night after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. Reuters

People gather at the Queen Victoria Memorial opposite Buckingham Palace after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. PA

Mourners gather outside Buckingham Palace on Thursday night. PA

Tributes and candles left outside Buckingham Palace in London after the queen's death was announced. PA

Police officers stand among floral tributes left outside Buckingham Palace. PA

A member of the royal household staff posts a notice on the gates of Buckingham Palace announcing the death of Queen Elizabeth. AFP

Royal follower John Loughrey, wearing a Union Jack hat, photographs the official announcement of the queen's death. EPA

Mourners outside Buckingham Palace. Reuters

A man with a Union flag umbrella shelters from the rain near the Queen Victoria Memorial. AFP

Mourners on the Queen Victoria Memorial outside Buckingham Palace. PA

The crowds outside Buckingham Palace on Thursday night. PA

Mourners at the vigil outside Buckingham Palace. PA

Mourners at the vigil outside Buckingham Palace. PA

Londoners walk down The Mall that leads to Buckingham Palace on Thursday night. PA

Taxis lined up along The Mall leading to Buckingham Palace in London after the announcement of the death of Queen Elizabeth. PA

The advertising screens in Piccadilly Circus in London mark the death of the queen. Getty

An image of Queen Elizabeth II is displayed on The BT Tower in London. Getty

A bus stop on Tottenham Court road in London displays an image of the queen. Getty

Mourners gather outside Windsor Castle, Berkshire. PA

Flowers are left under the Queen Victoria statue outside Windsor Castle. PA

Candles and flowers form a makeshift memorial at the Queen Victoria statue outside Windsor Castle. PA

People lay floral tributes outside Balmoral Castle, Scotland, on Thursday night. EPA

People lay floral tributes outside Balmoral Castle, Scotland, Britain, 08 September 2022. EPA

People pay their respects at the gate of Sandringham House in Norfolk. PA

People pay their respects at the gate of Sandringham House in Norfolk. PA

As condolences and tributes to Queen Elizabeth II continue to pour in from around the world, it’s clear the British monarch’s death has affected people in different ways.

From outpourings of grief on social media to quiet self-reflection as mourners lay flowers outside palaces in the UK and embassies worldwide, the death, not only of the queen, but of any well-known public figures, can lead to what is known as collective grief, whereby people come together to mourn in an act of public solidarity.

Speaking in the House of Commons, former prime minister Boris Johnson appeared to sum up the shared experience, saying: "Millions of us are trying to understand why we are feeling this deep and personal and almost familial sense of loss.

"Perhaps it’s partly because she’s always been there. A changeless human reference point in British life, so unvarying in her Pole Star radiance that we have perhaps been lulled into thinking she might be somehow eternal."

While those closest to Queen Elizabeth go through the stages of grief, people who never met the monarch are also experiencing a profound sense of loss. But why do people feel grief over the passing of someone they’ve never met?

“Collective grief happens when a group of people such as a nation or a community experience the fallout from a death,” says Dr Bahjat Balbous, psychiatrist at Euromed Clinic, Dubai.

“The passing of Queen Elizabeth and the response to her death is a stark example of collective grief. Like individual grief, there is a feeling of lack of control that comes with collective grief. We were unable to prevent the loss, and we feel powerless in its wake.”

Why do we feel sad about Queen Elizabeth’s death?

Well-wishers lay floral tributes outside Buckingham Palace. Bloomberg

“To those who had a photograph of her on top of the television, she was part of the family,” says Johanna Richmond, psychiatric therapist at Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Dubai. “And globally, the whole world knows her because when you hear ‘UK’ you think of Queen Elizabeth. People had a great admiration for her, and a lot of people identified with her because they saw her as a hard worker.”

Stability and continuity are natural human desires, creating a need to seek out things we find familiar as cultural or emotional touchstones.

For those who feel they have “grown up” with the queen, whether as their head of state, as an image on the banknotes in their wallet, or simply someone they read about in the news every so often, she was a constant, something familiar and largely unchanging in a world that moves fast.

“When a public death occurs and is in the news, it can trigger feelings about our own experiences and deaths that we have personally experienced,” says Balbous. “Hearing about death can also be deeply upsetting even if we haven’t lost anyone close to us, as it reminds us about our own mortality and the mortality of those we love.”

Psychologist Aisling Prendergast says: “It is very common and understandable to feel grief and sorrow for somebody we have never met. When a public figure has been part of the collective narrative, the containment and holding of a system and they have been present during every significant event and celebration for a whole country and commonwealth, it makes sense to feel the loss of her presence."

Is it strange to mourn the loss of someone you don’t know?

Being in the public eye means a lot of people not only know your name and recognise you, but they also feel as if they know you personally.

“When we talk about collective grief, we often mistakenly think we need to know the person, but when it comes to someone like the queen, she was a part of many people’s lives without ever having met them,” says Balbous. “Having reigned for 70 years, the queen was central to life not only in the UK, but she was also globally known and all her public appearances triggered endless coverage in the media all over the world.

"She was a fixture of stability in a world often best described as chaotic, and her death in what for many are turbulent times will incur sadness all over the world."

Grief can also occur because of what famous people represented to individuals.

When a public figure’s life has spanned decades, mourners think about their parents, grandparents and even great-grandparents who lived through those times, in this case, Queen Elizabeth's reign.

“The fact that her life has been cross-generational is a link to our pasts and the historical events of the past almost 100 years,” says Balbous. “Given her advanced age and the length of her reign, for most of us, she has been a constant backdrop to our lives. Her dying is not only the end of her life, but it reflects our own passages through our lives.”

How collective grief can help the healing process

Floral tributes outside the gates to Windsor Castle. Getty Images

Although Queen Elizabeth’s death has occurred in the era of social media and the 24-hour news cycle, Princess Diana’s death in August 1997 set the modern precedent for public displays of grief in the UK.

Laying flowers, leaving messages and lighting candles outside of royal palaces gives mourners a chance to channel and focus their grief, to say goodbye and share their emotions with others who feel the same.

“Knowing others around you are feeling sad can give you ‘permission’ to grieve and think about your personal experiences,” says Balbous. “Seek out people who are like you. Connect with others who are feeling like you and give yourself permission to know this event means something to you.

"There will be many rituals that will follow in the days to come that can provide comfort too, such as memorial services.”

Prendergast says: "Grieving the loss of somebody we have never met can be described as 'disenfranchised grief'. The first key step that people can take is to acknowledge their feeling.

"It is important to remember that this emotion will take the time it needs to acknowledge the significance she held in people’s lives. In Queen Elizabeth’s own words: 'Grief is the price we pay for love'."