Never underestimate the power of denial. You can argue with someone until you're blue in the face that black is black and white is white, but if that person is in denial, there will be no convincing them. I'm sure we've all had frustrating conversations that have turned into heated exchanges when the other party refuses to even acknowledge that you might have a point.
I’m mulling this over in my mind as I drive through torrential rain along some of the beautiful roads that skirt the borders of Germany and Austria. It’s the kind of rain that belongs in film noir – ceaseless, coming down in huge lumps to form road conditions that could best be described as treacherous, and while I use the word “beautiful” to describe the roads, that’s only because I’ve been here before. Right now, as I pilot a new Mercedes-Benz along the chosen route, I can’t actually see any scenery – but ordinarily, this would be driving nirvana.
And yes, before you start pointing at this page, I realise the images you’re seeing before you couldn’t possibly have been taken at the same time I’m experiencing this Merc. But, seriously, no photographer with an ounce of common sense would be entertaining the demands of gobby journalists on a day like this. And you need to clearly see this Mercedes to appreciate the opening sentiments in this piece, because its makers are definitely in denial. They’re denying this looks anything like BMW’s X6, and there’s not a chance of getting anyone to admit otherwise.
While 2015 is the Year of the Sheep for the Chinese, Mercedes is referring to it as the “Year of the SUV”, and this car, the GLE Coupé, is set to be one of the most controversial because, like the X6, on paper at least there seems to be little point to it. It has the sheer bulk of a proper SUV, but that sloping rear “coupé” roofline, which brings with it severely compromised boot space and rear passenger headroom, just doesn’t sit well with the majority of us gnarly hacks. But, hey, what do we know? The X6, after all, has been a massive seller for the Bavarian outfit, and Merc wants to keep its party faithful from straying to a deadly rival brand.
Looking at the exterior of the new Merc, it’s obvious the constraints the design team had to work within to produce its shape could have produced little else. Sensibly then, they stuck with some of the best elements of the current crop, and they include the brand’s traditionally more-sporting front grille and a rear lamp arrangement that’s reminiscent of both the sexy S-Class Coupé and the AMG GT. Big air intakes up front add plenty of aggression; colossal 22-inch wheels on the bonkers AMG version do help it look more car-like.
As for the visual similarities to the X6, the closest I can get anyone from Mercedes to admitting they even exist is to dismiss the newly revised BMW’s styling tweaks as a backward step. The man I speak to is right, too, as the latest X6 features overly fussy curves to its rear haunches and loses some of its overt masculinity in the process – something this GLE isn’t exactly short of.
No matter: once you open a door and climb aboard, you are ensconced in a world of Teutonic luxury. It’s beautifully crafted from the finest materials, as are almost all Mercs these days, and while it might not be overtly sporting in its design, the essentials are all present and correct, including the company’s ever-improving infotainment system (although the satellite navigation could be quicker to respond to your position on the road). There’s room aplenty, despite that sloping roof, and a feeling of unimpeachable build quality – the one key area where Mercedes has made bigger strides than practically any other carmaker in recent years.
The GLE Coupé is, it could be said, the enthusiast’s version of the much more sensible GLE. Now, if like me, you’re utterly dazed and confused by Merc’s nomenclature, fear not, because I’ve been assured things are going to become much clearer in the near future. The new GLE (also pictured) is basically a mildly face-lifted ML-Class, and Mercedes has taken the decision to group all of its SUVs into one giant model line prefixed by the letter G. The range, then, comprises the really cool-looking GLA, GLC (more on this next week), the GLE and GLK models, and that mainstay of Mercedes in the UAE, the boxy G-Class, which should probably be renamed the GCC-Class, such is its popularity here. The existing GL-Class will be renamed the GLS once it’s given its midlife refresh, too.
That’s a lot of different models, and while dinosaurs such as myself might be content with driving cars that are actually the shape and size of actual cars (as opposed to small, mobile apartment blocks), there’s no getting away from the fact that the market – like the SUVs themselves – isn’t getting any smaller. Think of any manufacturer nowadays and there will be either an existing SUV in the line-up or they’ll be at least planning to launch one. When the likes of Jaguar, Rolls-Royce, Maserati and Lamborghini take steps to introduce SUV models, you know things will never go back to how they were. So the fact the GLE Coupé is a car nobody actually needs is a moot point. Collectively, we might not need a vehicle of this sort, but crucially, we want one.
So if the styling is a halfway house between utility and “normal”, how does it drive? My experiences with the latest BMW X6 when I drove it in America last year were resoundingly positive – that thing really does go and handle like a car – so I’m expecting the GLE to be even better, given it has the benefit of an extra 12 months of development time. When given a choice of keys at the media drive desk, I knew there was only one model UAE readers would be interested in: the (deep breath, now) Mercedes-AMG GLE 63 S 4MATIC Coupé. It’s a silly name for an extremely silly car.
And I say that with the deepest respect, because even in this ridiculously inclement weather, the AMG offers entertainment by the skip load. The engine powering this behemoth is a hand-built masterpiece that takes no prisoners, eschewing the current trend of making everything smaller and more economical. Instead of the 4.0L V8 that’s currently on active duty in other AMG hot rods, this is a 5.5L, twin-turbo V8 that produces 585hp and 760Nm of twist, with that big fat, maximum torque figure coming on song at just 1,750rpm. That translates into breathtaking, effortless mid-range acceleration.
Coupled with the car’s almost watchtower-like visibility of the road ahead, other traffic can be matched and dispatched in the blink of an eye – see a gap, pull out, get on the gas and then, before you’ve even realised what’s happened, you’re past whatever it was you needed to overtake. It’s surreally powerful. From rest to 100kph takes just 4.2 seconds if you put your mind to it, and the top end is electronically governed to 250.
But there’s more to the entertainment factor than sheer brute force. This thing sounds like nothing else I’ve heard before, taking the traditional AMG bass-thrum and turning up the wick all the way to 12. It sounds mad enough at tick over, but get onto the open road, floor it and revel in a soundtrack that nobody with even a passing interest in cars could ever tire of. Its rolling thunder is never not present, and when you lift off the throttle, you’d swear it was New Year’s Eve, such are the pops and bangs that fill the air. In these times of anodyne motoring, this engine alone makes it almost worth the entry price.
It can handle, too, with a chassis that, once it’s done with life, should be donated to medical research, because the way it defies the natural laws of physics is beyond the comprehension of mortal man. Bear in mind that it weighs 2,350 kilograms before you’ve added occupants and their luggage, then try to fathom how it corners so flatly even at speeds that would normally have you locked up for six months. The traction is obviously helped by a permanent four-wheel drive transmission, but still, the way this thing behaves is more supercar than SUV.
Lesser engines are mated to a nine-speed automatic shifter, but the AMG gets the old seven-cog unit, because it’s better suited to the huge torque spread on offer, and it moves through its ratios with not even a hint of interruption – engine and gearbox are perfectly matched. The suspension, too, is expertly tuned to provide enough comfort to keep AMG obsessives happy while managing the Merc’s bulk with air springs and adaptive damping that maximise contact with the road at all times on all corners – meaning you can get on with the job of actually enjoying a cross-country thrash.
I have no idea how it drives off road, but the GLE itself is an accomplished mud plugger and dune warrior. To be honest, that’s not what the Coupé is about anyway, especially in barnstorming AMG hooligan guise. This car’s strengths lie in its ability to crush entire continents in one go, with one flex of your right foot – that, in itself, makes it a very silly car indeed.
Sure, there are other pumped-up SUVs that do a similar job (Cayenne Turbo S, Range Rover Sport and X6M all immediately spring to mind), but for this region especially, there’s a love for Mercedes that’s unbreakable – the expansion of the company’s range to include this model will be welcomed by many.
There’s still no official word on pricing, but expect to shell out approximately Dh600,000 once it goes on sale at the end of the summer. It’s a silly car and you definitely don’t need it. But see, drive, hear and feel it, and chances are you’ll want it.
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