Men have many fashion issues they need to work through and part of the job of this column is to help that process along. But, here, in the first of a two-part series I look at what must be eliminated from the fairer sex's wardrobe and what should stay. Despite what women think, many men know a woman is beautiful because of her attitude and confidence. But there are certain items that spoil even the best look.
I am not referring to a certain type of nail polish with a particular shade of blush. Men are big-picture people, which means we don't want to be asked if a pair of shoes goes with a favourite designer handbag. We usually only have opinions about the stuff we care about. So ladies, the next time you ask your guy a question about what you are wearing and you want the truth, don't hold out too much hope you'll get it. For honesty, refer to this list of the top 20 fashion items that should be banned from a woman's wardrobe:
20. Oversized sunglasses A good rule to follow is that if Elvis wore them, you shouldn't. 19. Ankle boots Or any boot Pat Benatar would have worn in her 1980s prime. 18. Shoulder pads Unless your fashion role model is Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, stop wearing them. Yes, I know, designers are using them in this fall's collections, but a designer is not going to be around to defend you if you wear them.
17. Fedoras Women buy a lot of hats and this should stop. Woolly hats are allowed in the winter and baseball hats the rest of the year. I have yet to see a woman who looks bad in either. But hats intended to be sophisticated fashion accessories have not been in vogue since Bette Davis was 19 - in other words not since 1927. 16. Large handbags I am convinced that some women's bags could carry not just an overnight bag, a Swiss Army knife and a change of essentials, but my ice-hockey goalie equipment as well.
15. Crocs, Birkenstocks Or any sandals that look like your mother could have worn them at Woodstock in 1969. 14. Thumb rings They make the appendage look stubby - and stubby is not a good look for a woman. 13. Black nail polish Too gothic. Even Horace Walpole would object. 12. Low-riding jeans The problem here is catching glimpses of underwear above the waistband. Trashy.
11. Penny loafers Not worth a nickel, as far as I'm concerned. 10. Sloppy T-shirts Baggy does not hide imperfections. A sloppy T-shirt says you are not confident or comfortable. A tight T-shirt says that you like who you are and that is more attractive than any flat stomach. 9. Headbands OK, admittedly Olivia Newton-John looked pretty good wearing one of these in the video to Let's Get Physical. Remember, though, that record was released - wait for it - 27 years ago!
8. Sweatpants Makes me think of Roseanne Barr and there is nothing as unattractive as Roseanne Barr. 7. Skirts that go to the ankle A dress is fine, but when a skirt goes all the way to the ankle, the impression I get is of a woman who has no sense of humour. 6. Nighties Beautiful when my six-year-old daughter wears one when saying goodnight. Not so adorable on a 36-year-old woman.
5. Tights The bane of man's existence. 4. Thigh-length socks Unless you are a Harajuku girl, please stop. 3. Sports bras There is nothing sporty about them. Women should go to the gym in Victoria's Secret undergarments. But hey, that's just what half the world's population thinks. 2. Armpit hair If your goal is to go au naturel, don't wear make-up. This just makes me think of the German singer Nena, and I hate the song 99 Luftballons.
1. Granny panties Unless there is a good chance that you'll be pushed out of an aeroplane at 37,000 feet and you'll need your own parachute, please refrain from jumping into a pair. Next week: Part II - Top 20 items a woman should wear more often Michael Jabri-Pickett is the foreign editor of The National. mjp@thenational.ae
