Some menswear trends are downright tricky. Take wearing pink (I'm on the fence) or dress shorts (I am very much over the fence) or polo necks (reasonable grounds to end a relationship).
While some may say these trends border on the moronic, they are also bearable - forgivable mishaps on the grand scale of things. After all, nobody's perfect; who can throw blame for a little slip-up every now and then?
What I cannot condone or forgive is the latest rage: heavage. Yes, you heard me correctly. We are looking dubiously at male cleavage, where plunging necklines are slit open to reveal chest hair, pectoral muscles (or lack thereof) and, sometimes, frighteningly even more.
Until recently, male décolletage was an androgynous fashion affectation seen only on the runways. Last season everyone from Rick Owens to Versace included plunging necklines in their menswear collections - which was all OK because surely real men would run a mile from them, right? Wrong. They have permeated the veins of the masses. The new look, including slashed tight T-shirts and scoop-necked wool jerseys, has been seen on actors such as Jude Law, Ed Westwick and Johnny Borrel.
Now, I get trends. I get the fact that we are sometimes led in the wrong direction. But how some men have strayed so far from common sense with this one leaves me a little puzzled.
I can only blame the hipster plague, which originated in small pockets of east London and Brooklyn and sweeps through the mentally vulnerable of the male species like smallpox. You know the type, they are, like, t-o-t-a-l-l-y ironic with their hipster version of Seventies maschismo or their handlebar moustache.
And before you men get excited let me stop you right there. Women are less entranced by the opposite sex's cleavage than you are. In fact, women are less entranced by the opposite sex, full stop, when it comes to style; it's simply not as compelling and about as baffling as celebrity perfumes worn by women over the age of 16 (trust me, it happens). Simply put, save yourself the bother. You will only project an air of peacockdom - another nasty ailment that seems to target balding, midlife-crisis actors with a suspiciously even tan, and, of course, footballers. And let's face it, nobody wants that.
Three words, chaps: modesty preservation, please.
This week's highs and lows.
ONE FOR THE BOYS Net-a-porter is soon launching Mr. Porter, its men's counterpart.
POINTED NAILS We can't cope with this micro trend as worn by the singer Jessie J.
CAPED CRUSADE Richard Nicoll's pleated cape dress is our new go-to evening wear.
THE ERA FASHION FORGOT Why oh why is Megan Fox turning to the Nineties for inspiration?
ALL THAT JAZZ After watching our favourite new TV series, Boardwalk Empire, we want to get our hands on a John Galliano jazz dress.