The power of language

Rin Hamburgh explores how the words we use around our children can impact their behaviour and self-esteem in the future

Have you ever listened to your children talking and thought, “They sound just like me!” Children are like sponges, soaking up everything around them, and it can be funny to hear them parroting back expressions you use regularly at home.

But the fact they take in so much – often much more than we’re aware – means we have to be very careful about the language we use when communicating with them. And that’s not just because we don’t know what they’ll repeat at an inopportune moment.

The way we speak to our children and the words we use can have a huge impact on everything from their behaviour to their future self-esteem. By being more conscious of the language we use, and how we phrase things, we can have a profound positive impact on our children. Here are the few most common traps we can fall into.

I can’t do it… “yet”

Children come into the world being able to do virtually nothing and quickly have to figure out how to crawl, walk, talk, feed themselves and much more. They are constantly learning and often get frustrated with not being able to achieve what they want to straight away.

Whether you’re helping your preschooler write their first letters or your teenager with their algebra homework, you’ll almost certainly hear this phrase at some point: “I can’t do it!”

You might be tempted to respond by telling them they can, but this doesn’t acknowledge the frustration they’re feeling. And, in truth, they may well not be able to do that task in that moment. That’s why the best response is this: “You can’t do it… yet.”

Adding the word “yet” helps build a growth mindset; a belief we aren’t born with a fixed set of skills, but that we can achieve new ones with practise and determination. Children with a growth mindset are more likely to try new things and to bounce back from failure.

Raising “clever” girls, not just “beautiful” ones

No doubt, if you have daughters, you are regularly struck by how beautiful they are. And no doubt, you want to tell them this regularly – as well you should. It’s important, however, not to fixate on their physical attributes, now matter how well intentioned the compliments are.

We live in a society where the pressure to confirm to an "ideal" body image has never been more noticeable. Social media, reality TV and celebrity culture all contribute to girls and young women feeling that they have to look a certain way. Studies show that about half of teenage girls have been on a diet, and one in three girls of a healthy weight have tried to diet regardless.

No one is suggesting you never tell your daughter how good she looks. But, by praising our girls for how clever they are – and how brave, funny and kind they are – we send a message that they are worth more than what they look like.

In the same vein, we need to remember not only to praise our sons for being clever and brave, but also for being thoughtful, empathetic and nice. By doing so, we help combat the equally damaging toxic masculinity that boys are subject to today.

You’re not bad, your behaviour is

When our children act out, it’s natural to want to correct them and show them the error of their ways. After all, how will they learn, if we don’t? Our job as parents is to help them navigate what’s right and wrong, which means discipline is important. But it’s vital that discipline does not lead to shame.

That’s why we need to separate the person from behaviour. If your child does something wrong, avoid telling them that they’ve been “bad”. Instead, tell them their behaviour was bad, so they can focus on doing something different rather than being someone different.

By making this distinction, your child can understand they are still valued, respected and loved, regardless of their choices. From this secure position, they are much more likely to change their behaviour.

Focus on the positives

“Don’t hit your sister”; “Don’t jump on the sofa”; “Don’t talk with your mouth full”. Do you ever feel like you’re constantly telling your children what not to do? It’s only natural – children, especially young ones, do a lot of things they shouldn’t do. But the problem with telling someone not to do something is that it subconsciously focuses them on the very behaviour you’re trying to avoid. It’s similar to when someone says, “Don’t think of a red balloon!” Naturally, you’ll immediately think of a red balloon. It’s just how the mind works.

The alternative is to focus on the positive outcomes you’d like to see. “Be kind to your sister”; “Only jump on the floor”; “Swallow first, talk second”.

It’s OK to be sad and angry

When a child falls over, skins their knee and starts to cry, often our first instinct is to comfort them and say, “There, there, don’t cry, don’t be sad…” This is well intentioned – you don’t want to see your baby unhappy – but it’s important not to send a message that being sad or crying is somehow wrong or weak. This is especially important for boys, who are often taught that crying or expressing emotion is somehow unmanly and that they ought to be “brave” instead.

The same goes for anger: while many expressions of anger are unacceptable – shouting, hitting and so on – the actual feeling itself isn’t wrong. Admonishing our children for being angry isn’t helpful. Instead, we need to help them express that anger in a healthy way.

In the same way we distinguish person from behaviour, try to separate the feeling from expression of that feeling. That way, your child will know their feelings are wrong while also learning how to moderate and express those feelings appropriately.

Parenting can be really tough at times and it’s easy to wonder whether all our efforts are having any impact. Words are powerful – they have the ability to build up and tear down. So, by choosing our words carefully, we can help shape our children into the adults we hope they will become.