Your greatest gift is to empower your child

Teach your children to be independent and able to support themselves later in life; the alternative is a horror story all of its own.

Gary Clement for The National
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We've got to talk about Kevin.
No, not the one in the book who went on a murderous spree.
Our Kevin. We've got to talk about my brother Kevin.
I know you love him. I do too. I know you're scared for him. Doing your best for him. But you're destroying, not helping him. You're his dealer. Money is his drug.
This is what someone I know is going to be saying to her mother this weekend.
She is changing her approach from anger to mutual concern, hoping this will get her message across. She wants her mother to enable her brother to fend for himself, by not paying his way.
She, and her six siblings, are fed up. One person is ruining it for the whole family. He expects handouts. He has children of his own but still lives with his parents. His problems become theirs. Become the whole ­family's.
His father has threatened to throw him out. But never does. His mother scrimps, saves and secretly gives him cash. His siblings work, save, spend on their parents and their own individual families. One person being, in their view, opportunistic, turns every family gathering into a nightmare.
The sad thing is that it's not just the event that turns sour, but the build-up to it too.
A gathering of the clan is being planned for the end of the year, and they're already upset about what the one brother will do, or not do, as the case may be.
The farce is that, not only does he not pull his weight, but entitles himself to invite his friends along for the free ride. Others cook, buy and prepare, he consumes and is a burden.
Perhaps you can recognise this behaviour in your own family or circle of friends. It's not fair, is it?
So. I'd like you to reflect on this: your biggest gift is to empower your child to look after themselves.
This is about a lot of things. It's the gift of a dignified life. Never to be beholden, or trapped by someone else or circumstances. This is what a conservative Iraqi gentleman I know wants to instil in his daughter. She is on her way to tertiary education in a couple of years, and he is desperate for her to be able to hold her own, never to be in need and dependent.
Who knows whether she gets married, and if she does, whether it'd last, be loving and decent, he says to me. What if she ends up having to fund her life and that of any children she has he fears. His concerns are poles apart from his wife's. All she wants is for her daughter to marry. Full stop.
This gentlemen is truly a game changer.
Another father, who wasn't, died just two weeks ago. He funded his daughter's life. He gave her a job in the restaurant he'd set up. Handed out additional money - Dh15,000 a month to be precise. Sounds like he was a great guy. I'm sure he was in many ways. But he did his daughter no favours.
He's now gone and so has the income. His adult daughter has a daughter of her own, a baby, and no money. That's right. She spent it all. Because she knew there would always be dad to lean on. Except there's no dad now and she's in trouble.
I wonder what will become of her daughter. The granddaughter of the now deceased provider. This is his legacy: a life, hopefully temporarily, in turmoil and tatters. Now imagine if he had empowered his daughter in his lifetime, to be responsible and accountable. And perhaps even save money and build her own legacy.
Back to Kevin and all the other Kevins out there. They know that they don't need to do certain things, like take on jobs they don't like, or budget and save up for what they fancy. Because there's magic money that keeps appearing in their lives.
I know that it breaks a parent's heart to see their child struggle. No matter their age. But I beg you, stop bailing him/ her out. It serves no good. What happens when you die? How will they look after themselves then?
What sort of role model are they for their own children? How does it all end? Badly. That's how.
So. This time the family gets together, look at everyone in your life. Make sure you're not favouring your perceived weaklings at the expense of the stronger ones. Be fair. To everyone. It takes guts. The right decision can also be the most difficult one. But if you really love your Kevin, you must do it. Cut the rope. Or the umbilical chord. Maybe Kevin won't thank you - ever - but at least he won't drag you, and the rest of your loved ones, down the bottomless pit with him. Now that would be murder.
Nima Abu Wardeh describes herself using three words: Person. Parent. Pupil. Each day she works out which one gets priority, sharing her journey on finding-nima.com.
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