The rug was pulled out from under my family

Personal finance gets troubling when a family falls apart.

Illustration by Gary Clement for The National

It could happen to anyone, male or female - but chances are it'll happen to a woman. I choose to write these women's accounts in first person, because I'd like you to connect that bit more. For us to take a step away from who is "right", why things unravelled and take stock of the real, daily consequences - where one person bears the brunt of the fallout manyfold. Here are two such stories - I'm sure you know similar ones in your circles:
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My husband had an affair with his university sweetheart. I found out when I was having treatment for breast cancer. The message that I happened across threw me - and destroyed - well, everything.
He had messaged her saying he couldn't leave me now, not while I was having chemo.
I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know it at the time, but worse was to come; he is the general manager of my father's company. I own some shares. This means that he is privy to my fin­ancial situation in a way that makes me vulnerable.
I didn't work. I brought up our four children instead - no maid or home-help employed. Our youngest is a teenager. Poor thing. I had to break it to him that our family home was being sold, and that we - he and I, the others are at university - would be moving soonest.
And here's the worst of it: my husband has taken on the fin­ancial responsibilities of his once again sweetheart and her brood. Her children are roughly the same age as mine. He doesn't contribute towards our broken family and our children's upkeep. Mine? You must be kidding. I now have a part-time job in a fashion store. The money isn't enough. And here's the clincher: he is still my husband - legally - because he won't agree to a settlement. Why? Because he's going after my shares in the company. This is my future livelihood - I have no savings, no pension and hope that dividends will see me through a few years. The shares would then go to my children. Our children. But not if their father somehow gets them taken away from me.
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I was the family's main earner. I travel with my work and my then husband was happy to step in and be the primary parent - not just when I was away. He is a teacher - so was available after school - which was perfect for our family life. I suppose traditionalists saw it as a role swap. For us it made sense because I brought in significantly more money, and we were one team, headed in the same direction - but not together, it turned out.
My husband walked out on us. It happened the year my father died. I was grappling with grief. I loved my father deeply, but couldn't sink into my feelings because I had to keep going, keep working, bringing the money in, but I couldn't shake it off either. My husband decided he didn't want to support me through my depression. And left. I too have moved on - in tatters, slowly gaining my sense of self. Taking stock, it grates that I have had to pay my former husband to get a div­orce. Because I earn more than him, he was awarded a sizeable chunk of money - enough to buy a house for himself - in cash. It needed to be adequate enough for the children to stay in - meaning it was pricey. This has set me back. I don't have that sort of money. So I now have to work even harder, I am in more debt, plus I have sole responsibility for my children during the week - and every other weekend. If it wasn't for my mother being able to step in and stay with them when I travel for work, I dread to think what our life would be like.
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These women are lucky. They have a support system and can make ends meet - either by earning the money themselves, or with family help. Millions don't. They don't have the chance of a dignified life. Why? Because they care about their children and don't want to be a ghost-parent. Or because they don't have qualifications that'll get them a job that pays enough - their "enough" includes the cost of life, and the cost of an outsider to look after the children while they work. It "should" include the cost of putting money aside for older age too. But let's get real - of course that's not going to happen. It's impossible. For many, many millions.
There are no stats available for whether child maintenance, or former spousal support, is being paid out in the UAE. Assuming from figures avail­able elsewhere, and from stories abundantly available, it appears not.
In the United Kingdom £3.5 billion (Dh15.6bn) remains outstanding from child maintenance payment arrears. That's just what we know about because the related government agency is involved - the real figure is a lot more. I worked out that US$23.6bn is owed in the United States.
Wednesday marked International Women's Day. I am a feminist. For me it's about equality. Equal chance to have a decent life. Can you figure out how these women - and the millions in similar situations - have any chance of this? Didn't think so.
Sometimes a parent can't afford payments, but often they prioritise other things - like eating out, buying stuff, even going on holiday - over doing what's right. Not only by their children, but by their former partner too.
The long and short of it is that this stinks.
Please can we rise above individual agendas, negative feelings, and simply do the right thing by whoever is the primary carer. Be they mum or dad.
Nima Abu Wardeh describes herself using three words: Person. Parent. Pupil. Each day she works out which one gets priority, sharing her journey on finding-nima.com.
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