Rejoice, heroic national figures have saved us again

When the going gets tough in America, the tough get to writing thank-you notes to Uncle Sam.

Anybody who thinks that Britain is just the 51st state of America might have had pause to reconsider in the past couple of days. Because it has just become blindingly clear that when the going gets tough, Uncle Sam steps in to save America. In Britain, it is Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the head of the Commonwealth.

What has prompted this conclusion is the rather curious thank-you note written by America's favourite investor, the "sage of Omaha" Warren Buffett. In The New York Times this week, he wrote a belated homily to Uncle Sam for stepping in and saving corporate titans such as himself just over two years ago. "My mother told me to send thank-you notes promptly," he writes. "I've been remiss." In his words, corporate America was at "death's door", 300 million Americans were in the domino line and "everything began to turn into pumpkins and mice … My own company, Berkshire Hathaway, might have been the last to fall, but that distinction provided little solace."

Only one thing could save the world, and yes, you've guessed it, Uncle Sam.

"Only one counterforce was available, and that was you, Uncle Sam. Yes, you are often clumsy, even inept. But when businesses and people worldwide race to get liquid, you are the only party with the resources to take the other side of the transaction. And when our citizens are losing trust by the hour in institutions they once revered, only you can restore calm," he writes.

In the background, the swelling sound of organs and violins. I can see flags waving, tickertape flying in the air, and the sight of thousands of people filling the streets of Wall Street. Those people standing on window ledges poised to leap to their deaths on the pavement below have inched back towards their offices.

"When the crisis struck, I felt you would understand the role you had to play," he continues. "The challenge was huge, and many people thought you were not up to it."

The people lining the streets stop cheering for a moment, breathless. The tickertape seems to hang in the air, suspended in time. The men on their window ledges edge back to the brink.

Then the clash of cymbals, the sun powers out from behind the clouds, the tomb-like streets are bathed in glory.

"Uncle Sam, you delivered. People will second-guess your specific decisions; you can always count on that. But just as there is a fog of war, there is a fog of panic - and overall, your actions were remarkably effective."

Does Mr Buffett actually mean this tosh? Or is it like one of those rants from a hedge fund manager, who tries to recount the meaning of life but just ends up sounding like a loony? Or perhaps he was just mightily relieved that his billions weren't suddenly worthless. He might have thought about pointing out that if the Federal Reserve hadn't been so complicit in the past, the bubbles would not have grown to such proportions. A little bit of regulation could have saved billions of dollars, millions of jobs, and prevented needless printing of money. But thank you, Uncle Sam.

"Often you are wasteful, and sometimes you are bullying. On occasion, you are downright maddening. But in this extraordinary emergency, you came through - and the world would look far different now if you had not." He signs off: "Your grateful nephew, Warren."

His heroes are Ben Bernanke, Hank Paulson, Tim Geithner and Sheila Blair (who she?). He even reserves some praise for George W Bush, even though he never voted for him. Mr Buffett's words are a rewording of the mantra that in America profits are privatised while losses are nationalised. I guess I'd write a thank-you letter to some fictitious figure if they stopped me from losing all my billions.

In austerity Britain, there is nothing of the stature or folksy nature of Uncle Sam to bail out its billionaires. But the Queen is due to step in next year to add a little cheer to the dreary, downtrodden life of its proletariat. As everybody in the world probably knows by now, apart from those in China, Africa and parts of Siberia, her grandson William is set to marry Kate Middleton, a charming girl who has been hanging around the prince for the past nine years in the hope that he might pop the question.

The streets of London will be lined with people waving Union flags. Economists have worked out that the wedding may add US$1 billion (Dh3.67bn) to the UK's bottom line. People will come from near and far to watch the pomp. But how much circumstance will there be? Can the Queen put on too much of a show if her subjects are struggling to pay for their satellite dishes to watch the big event?

My advice is: the bigger the better. I can still remember when Diana tripped up the aisle with Charles nearly 30 years ago. I just wish I still had my commemorative Toby jug, complete with pictures of the happy couple.

No doubt Mr Buffett will follow up his thank-you letter with a few tea towels printed with the faces of Ben Bernanke, Hank Paulson, Tim Geithner and Sheila Blair, whoever she is. God bless America and the Queen of England!