With this year’s Eurovision streamed live on YouTube into the wee hours of Sunday morning, Saeed Saeed stayed up during the epic four-hour broadcast so you didn’t have to.
11pm: Good evening, Vienna, from Khalidiya. I got my coffee flask beside me, salted nuts and top-notch headphones to hear this year's Eurovision cheese in all its glory. Only thing is, the evening begins with an elegant strings piece from the ORF Radio Symphony followed by the celestial voices of the Vienna Boys Choir. This is making me cry for all the wrong reasons.
11.21pm: After 20 minutes of truly awful scripted banter by the three hosts, including last year's winner Conchita Wurst, the competition finally begins with Slovenia's Maraaya. Her doo-wop inspired track Here for You is enjoyable with the exception of her backing dancer: Air violin? Really?
11.26pm: Memo to the French: Eurovision is supposed to be fun. What's with the black robes and war-torn background?
11.38pm: I initially thought the British press were too harsh. But they are right, Electro Velvet's Still in Love With You is beyond awful. It's a car crash of horns, overly theatrical vocals and scatting. I am sorry Englebert Humperdinck, all is forgiven sir.
11.50pm: Yes! After nearly an hour finally some cheesy euro pop. Lithuania's Monika Linkytėand Vaidas Baumila bring some colour after this drab start. Bright outfits, some smooching, a euphoric chorus and woeful lyrics: "Im feeling love round and round in my heart"
12.01am: Neary 50 seconds in and the Swedes are in with a big chance. It's pure Eurovision: joyous, giddy and a catchy chorus any three-year-old can sing. No matter that it sounds like a rejected Aviici tune.
12.07am: Welcome Australia. Pop star Guy Sebastian easily has the best voice of the competition so far. But off course he wont win because it sounds too much like a proper tune.
12.15am: Austria, what did you do? After the edgy selection of Conchita Wurst last year to get you the gong, you choose defend it by choosing a saccharine piano ballad? Shame on you.
12.26am: And this year's I Don't Care prize goes to Montenegro's Knez. He doesn't give a hoot that his polka-esque song, Adio, only appeals to himself.
12.33am: In the Name of Love by Poland's Monika Kuszyska is ultra cheesy and the video screens portrays billowing curtains. I take this as a reminder to make myself a midnight snack and to do my laundry first thing tomorrow.
12.45am: I am so sorry Romania. I was really enjoying the native piano ballad till the shocking realisation came that the bald singer was actually crooning in what he thought was English.
12.50am: Oh no! Hungary deliver another message song, something about stopping war. This is Eurovision guys, not the UN.
12.55am: Whoa! Best outfit of the night goes to Nina Sublatti. The Georgian black feathered outfit resembles the aftermath of a fight between an ostrich and a crow.
1.03am: Lots of message songs are littering this Eurovision and Russian Polina Gagarina's A Million Voices is the best, simple reason being is the melody remained. The emotional performance seems too much for the young singer, who bursts out in tears after the song.
1.10am: A show of force from Italy. Their entry, the Il Divo copy-cats Il Volo, sing a grand pop-opera song with majestic images of Roman statues and arches.
1.20am: Finally all 27 songs have been heard and, judging by the Twitter feedback, it's a three way tussle between Sweden, Russia and Italy.
1.30am: Apparently all this voting takes time. So it's a half-hour of Eurovision history, including montages of winners and a small feature on the history of The Green Room. Must ... stay ... awake.
2.15am: The voting is underway and it is indeed neck-and-neck between Russia, Italy and Sweden. All are consistently wracking up the big 10 and 12 points from judges from the 40 participating countries, all of whom read their results from a studio in their respective capitals. The bemused Azerbaijani judge looks like the grime reaper himself.
2.34am: It's Latvia who is spoiling the party; Aminata's horribly titled Love Injected is taking valuable points away from the Russians and Italians, while the Swedes are gaining ground.
2.45am: Sweden is the winner for the seventh time, with verdicts from three countries left to go, after their lead became impossible for the second place Russians to regain.
2.55am: The final votes have come through and the Austrians, despite being generous hosts, can't hide their shell shock. They come joint last with Germany with no points.
3.00am: It's over and I already need a shave. Good night.
