We all know that most men would rather chew off their right leg than seek out a new trend – say, the new statement bag from Dolce. Yet ask a man to grow some facial hair, throw in an element of charitable goodwill and, well, we’re onto something.
The moustache – one of the few things shared by revolutionaries, artists, musicians, 1970s dads, serial killers and dictators. Whether it be the hipster version of machismo, the “Handlebar”, the “Pencil” or the “Western walrus”, this Movember, many will try; few will succeed.
Poor chaps – I feel for you, I really do. It isn’t easy, is it? You’re chastised for sticking to the safety-in-numbers code (short back and sides with a clean shave) and hung out to dry if you dare to experiment.
Yet Movember gives an excuse; a point to preening the plumes. The charity side of things provides a much-needed pass, so the world is absolutely clear that usually you wouldn’t give the authoritative ’tache more than a smirk.
Normally, I’d start with a few don’ts, begging you to stay away from the gimmicks, unless the rest of your attire is hands-in-the-air exciting. But, alas, this is a month for the impostor, so we’ll allow you to revel in all your Freddie Mercury glory.
A “good” moustache, however, isn’t a free-for-all. It needs deliberating, planning and mulling over – everything gentlemen tend to hate. So here are a few pointers that you may wish to ponder.
Let’s start with the “Macho”, also fondly known as the “Selleck” (after Tom Selleck), which was popularised in the 1970s and 80s in American culture – it involves covering the area between the nose and the upper lip in full. These days, perhaps solely reserved for the kidnapper look, it certainly isn’t going to give you a leg up to the world’s best-dressed list. But if smoke-tint lenses, polyester and white vans are your thing, then it’s up for grabs.
One needs to adopt a certain element of fun to pull off the “Dalí”, for attaining an air of nonchalance is more difficult than one would think. Named after the surrealist painter, the shape is formed by long, tapered points that curve steeply upwards towards the cheek. An alpha-male lady-killer you are not.
Next come the “Handlebar” and the “Horseshoe”. The first, according to the official Handlebar Club, must have “graspable extremities” to count; the second consists of a full moustache with vertical extensions from the corners of the lips to the jaw. Owning either is a commitment. Think modern cowboy or Hulk Hogan.
For those who struggle to grow more than a few whiskers... well, I’m sorry about that. It must be tough for you out there. The “Pencil”, a neat fine line on the upper lip popularised by Clark Gable (who somehow made it mannerly and manly), may be a good option.
Let’s wrap things up with the “Toothbrush”, a funny little number that involves cropping the edges to line up with each nostril. It was once popularised by Charlie Chaplin – and later forever ruined by a particularly monstrous German dictator.
For all of the above, wear at your own risk. And remember, without a hefty lick of irony or dandyism, what we’re looking at might come off as earth-shudderingly sinister.
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Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3
Director: James Gunn
Stars: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper
Rating: 4/5
MEYDAN CARD
6.30pm Al Maktoum Challenge Round-1 Group One (PA) US$65,000 (Dirt) 1,600m
7.05pm Handicap (TB) $175,000 (Turf) 1,200m
7.40pm UAE 2000 Guineas Trial Conditions (TB) $100,000 (D) 1,600m
8.15pm Singspiel Stakes Group Two (TB) $250,000 (T) 1,800m
8.50pm Handicap (TB) $135,000 (T) 1,600m
9.25pm Al Maktoum Challenge Round-1 Group Two (TB) $350,000 (D) 1,600m
10pm Dubai Trophy Conditions (TB) $100,000 (T) 1,200m
10.35pm Handicap (TB) $135,000 (T) 1,600m
The National selections:
6.30pm AF Alwajel
7.05pm Ekhtiyaar
7.40pm First View
8.15pm Benbatl
8.50pm Zakouski
9.25pm: Kimbear
10pm: Chasing Dreams
10.35pm: Good Fortune
ALRAWABI SCHOOL FOR GIRLS
Creator: Tima Shomali
Starring: Tara Abboud, Kira Yaghnam, Tara Atalla
Rating: 4/5
EA Sports FC 24
Developer: EA Vancouver, EA Romania
Publisher: EA Sports
Consoles: Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4&5, PC and Xbox One
Rating: 3.5/5
Europa League group stage draw
Group A: Villarreal, Maccabi Tel Aviv, Astana, Slavia Prague.
Group B: Dynamo Kiev, Young Boys, Partizan Belgrade, Skenderbeu.
Group C: Sporting Braga, Ludogorets, Hoffenheim, Istanbul Basaksehir.
Group D: AC Milan, Austria Vienna , Rijeka, AEK Athens.
Group E: Lyon, Everton, Atalanta, Apollon Limassol.
Group F: FC Copenhagen, Lokomotiv Moscow, Sheriff Tiraspol, FC Zlin.
Group G: Vitoria Plzen, Steaua Bucarest, Hapoel Beer-Sheva, FC Lugano.
Group H: Arsenal, BATE Borisov, Cologne, Red Star Belgrade.
Group I: Salzburg, Marseille, Vitoria Guimaraes, Konyaspor.
Group J: Athletic Bilbao, Hertha Berlin, Zorya Luhansk, Ostersund.
Group K: Lazio, Nice, Zulte Waregem, Vitesse Arnhem.
Group L: Zenit St Petersburg, Real Sociedad, Rosenborg, Vardar
TWISTERS
Director:+Lee+Isaac+Chung
Starring:+Glen+Powell,+Daisy+Edgar-Jones,+Anthony+Ramos
Rating:+2.5/5
Rooney's club record
At Everton Appearances: 77; Goals: 17
At Manchester United Appearances: 559; Goals: 253
EMIRATES'S REVISED A350 DEPLOYMENT SCHEDULE
Edinburgh: November 4 (unchanged)
Bahrain: November 15 (from September 15); second daily service from January 1
Kuwait: November 15 (from September 16)
Mumbai: January 1 (from October 27)
Ahmedabad: January 1 (from October 27)
Colombo: January 2 (from January 1)
Muscat: March 1 (from December 1)
Lyon: March 1 (from December 1)
Bologna: March 1 (from December 1)
Source: Emirates
Brief scores:
Manchester City 2
Gundogan 27', De Bruyne 85'
Crystal Palace 3
Schlupp 33', Townsend 35', Milivojevic 51' (pen)
Man of the Match: Andros Townsend (Crystal Palace)
Specs: 2024 McLaren Artura Spider
Engine: 3.0-litre twin-turbo V6 and electric motor
Max power: 700hp at 7,500rpm
Max torque: 720Nm at 2,250rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed dual-clutch auto
0-100km/h: 3.0sec
Top speed: 330kph
Price: From Dh1.14 million ($311,000)
On sale: Now
Drishyam 2
Directed by: Jeethu Joseph
Starring: Mohanlal, Meena, Ansiba, Murali Gopy
Rating: 4 stars
Results
6.30pm: Al Maktoum Challenge Round-2 Group 1 (PA) US$75,000 (Dirt) 1,900m
Winner: Ziyadd, Richard Mullen (jockey), Jean de Roualle (trainer).
7.05pm: Al Rashidiya Group 2 (TB) $250,000 (Turf) 1,800m
Winner: Barney Roy, William Buick, Charlie Appleby.
7.40pm: Meydan Cup Listed Handicap (TB) $175,000 (T) 2,810m
Winner: Secret Advisor, Tadhg O’Shea, Charlie Appleby.
8.15pm: Handicap (TB) $175,000 (D) 1,600m
Winner: Plata O Plomo, Carlos Lopez, Susanne Berneklint.
8.50pm: Handicap (TB) $135,000 (T) 1,600m
Winner: Salute The Soldier, Adrie de Vries, Fawzi Nass.
9.25pm: Al Shindagha Sprint Group 3 (TB) $200,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: Gladiator King, Mickael Barzalona, Satish Seemar.
Our legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants