The only thing these reads have in common is they all produced genuine laughs out loud, long before LOL became a silent code. Some of the jokes have aged better than others, but in my advancing years, I am more inclined than ever to believe the old lines really are the best lines.
The Third Policeman by Flann O’Brien (1967)
This is a linguistic delight set in a near circular hell in which our murderer wanders without knowing that he is dead. In a series of terrifying and disorientating events where the author makes the killer look through both ends of the microscope, he meets a police sergeant who, he is told, is at least 50 per cent bicycle; and is shown a machine that makes gold out of nothing and gets a glimpse of eternity. But on meeting his fellow murderer he realises they are dead, and that all of their tomorrows will be as frightening as today. As the sergeant says, "It is nearly an insoluble pancake, a conundrum of inscrutable potentialities, a snorter" of a story.
The Restraint of Beasts by Magnus Mills (1995)
Three truculent and lazy labourers are dispatched from Scotland to England to put up high-tension fencing. The tone is sardonic and we soon know we are in the realms of black comedy when the killings serve to lighten up proceedings. Former London bus driver Magnus Mills was nominated for a Booker Prize for this dark, but richly comic, look at the chains we feel only when we start to stray far from society's norms.
Puckoon by Spike Milligan (1963)
This book describes a small town split by the new boundary between north and south Ireland. That's as much of the plot as we get, because the author prefers one-liners, all manner of jokes and japes rather than a narrative thread. He even has his hero, Ned Milligan, address the author out of the page: "Did you write these legs? "Yes" "Well I don't like dem. I could have writted better legs meself". I got this as a 15th birthday present, and asides such "he drew on his pipe, her drew on the wall and the floor" had me in tears with laughter as a teenager.
Something Like Fire: Peter Cook Remembered by Lin Cook (1996)
The list of contributors to this is a Who's Who of British comedy, as the country's wittiest comics line up to pay their respects to the godfather of satire during its boom in the 1960s. As one glowing tribute follows another, we hear of Cook regularly leaving friends in stitches with off-the-cuff jokes about life in Sherwood Forest with a band of in-laws, The False Passport Office, Secret Messages smuggled inside the Olympic Torch and countless more. Stephen Fry's attempt to crack him up with news that he was about to make an advert about hemorrhoids is completely trumped when Cook replies "for or against?" A joyous lament for a comic genius.
Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines by Bill Hicks (2005)
Cancer took American comic Bill Hicks at 32, but not before he landed some telling blows on Uncle Sam. The book looks at how he worked up his routines into something pointed enough to pierce the pumped up Americans after the second Gulf war ... so much so he got kicked off US network television. Angry sketches about the waste of thousands of Iraqi lives probably didn't help. His later shows involved him putting on a woman's voice to say, "But Bill, going to war in Iraq let Americans feel good about themselves again". His withering reply was: "try cup cakes."
Phil Trotter is a sub-editor for The National
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Read more:
My favourite reads: Rajesh Korde
My favourite reads: Gareth Cox
My favourite reads: Steve Luckings
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EA Sports FC 26
Publisher: EA Sports
Consoles: PC, PlayStation 4/5, Xbox Series X/S
Rating: 3/5
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Gifts exchanged
- King Charles - replica of President Eisenhower Sword
- Queen Camilla - Tiffany & Co vintage 18-carat gold, diamond and ruby flower brooch
- Donald Trump - hand-bound leather book with Declaration of Independence
- Melania Trump - personalised Anya Hindmarch handbag
You may remember …
Robbie Keane (Atletico de Kolkata) The Irish striker is, along with his former Spurs teammate Dimitar Berbatov, the headline figure in this season’s ISL, having joined defending champions ATK. His grand entrance after arrival from Major League Soccer in the US will be delayed by three games, though, due to a knee injury.
Dimitar Berbatov (Kerala Blasters) Word has it that Rene Meulensteen, the Kerala manager, plans to deploy his Bulgarian star in central midfield. The idea of Berbatov as an all-action, box-to-box midfielder, might jar with Spurs and Manchester United supporters, who more likely recall an always-languid, often-lazy striker.
Wes Brown (Kerala Blasters) Revived his playing career last season to help out at Blackburn Rovers, where he was also a coach. Since then, the 23-cap England centre back, who is now 38, has been reunited with the former Manchester United assistant coach Meulensteen, after signing for Kerala.
Andre Bikey (Jamshedpur) The Cameroonian defender is onto the 17th club of a career has taken him to Spain, Portugal, Russia, the UK, Greece, and now India. He is still only 32, so there is plenty of time to add to that tally, too. Scored goals against Liverpool and Chelsea during his time with Reading in England.
Emiliano Alfaro (Pune City) The Uruguayan striker has played for Liverpool – the Montevideo one, rather than the better-known side in England – and Lazio in Italy. He was prolific for a season at Al Wasl in the Arabian Gulf League in 2012/13. He returned for one season with Fujairah, whom he left to join Pune.
Mohammed bin Zayed Majlis
Learn more about Qasr Al Hosn
In 2013, The National's History Project went beyond the walls to see what life was like living in Abu Dhabi's fabled fort:
EPL's youngest
- Ethan Nwaneri (Arsenal)
15 years, 181 days old
- Max Dowman (Arsenal)
15 years, 235 days old
- Jeremy Monga (Leicester)
15 years, 271 days old
- Harvey Elliott (Fulham)
16 years, 30 days old
- Matthew Briggs (Fulham)
16 years, 68 days old
Who are the Soroptimists?
The first Soroptimists club was founded in Oakland, California in 1921. The name comes from the Latin word soror which means sister, combined with optima, meaning the best.
The organisation said its name is best interpreted as ‘the best for women’.
Since then the group has grown exponentially around the world and is officially affiliated with the United Nations. The organisation also counts Queen Mathilde of Belgium among its ranks.
Dubai World Cup draw
1. Gunnevera
2. Capezzano
3. North America
4. Audible
5. Seeking The Soul
6. Pavel
7. Gronkowski
8. Axelrod
9. New Trails
10. Yoshida
11. K T Brave
12. Thunder Snow
13. Dolkong
Turkish Ladies
Various artists, Sony Music Turkey
Zayed Sustainability Prize
Results
2.30pm: Park Avenue – Conditions (PA) Dh80,000 (Dirt) 2,000m; Winner: Rb Seqondtonone, Abdul Aziz Al Balushi (jockey), Helal Al Alawi (trainer)
3.05pm: Al Furjan – Maiden (TB) Dh82,500 (Turf) 1,200m; Winner: Bosphorus, Dane O’Neill, Bhupat Seemar
3.40pm: Mina – Rated Condition (TB) Dh105,000 (D) 1,600m; Winner: Royal Mews, Tadhg O’Shea, Bhupat Seemar
4.15pm: Aliyah – Handicap (TB) Dh87,500 (T) 1,900m; Winner: Ursa Minor, Ray Dawson, Ahmad bin Harmash
4.50pm: Riviera Beach – Rated Conditions (TB) Dh95,000 (D) 2,200m; Winner: Woodditton, Saif Al Balushi, Ahmad bin Harmash
5.25pm: Riviera – Handicap (TB) Dh2,000 (T) 2,000m; Winner: Al Madhar, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muhairi
6pm: Creek Views – Handicap (TB) Dh95,000 (T) 1,400m; Winner: Al Salt, Dane O’Neill, Erwan Charpy
The studios taking part (so far)
- Punch
- Vogue Fitness
- Sweat
- Bodytree Studio
- The Hot House
- The Room
- Inspire Sports (Ladies Only)
- Cryo