Here in the UAE, conversations with strangers usually start with inquiries about two things: what we do for a living and how long we intend to stay here. Let me begin, then, by saying that I am employed as a journalist and that I really have no idea how long I'll stay as a guest in this country. I've never had a "game plan". I'm 45 years old, I have a wife, two sons, one therapist and no idea what the future holds.
More than 20 years separate my two boys and, truth be told, being a parent was never on my "to-do" list. I've never had that desire to be a dad and I assumed that, by the time I was in my 40s, there wouldn't be any more children coming along.
How wrong I was. Having remarried nearly six years ago, it was assumed by friends and family that the eventual pitter-patter of tiny feet was a certainty. But not on my watch, oh no. I had a nice life, after struggling for many years to make ends meet.
My wife and I talked about travel, savings and investments, perhaps buying our own house somewhere in Italy, France or Spain.
We had a decent disposable joint income and plenty of time on our hands. We had money in the bank. We had plans and a realistic chance of achieving our goals. And then, one evening, I got the news I really didn't want.
I put on what I thought was a brave face, but my world was shattered in an instant. Life would, I feared, be put on hold indefinitely. I'd become selfish in recent years, which I didn't feel guilty about. My son was at university in the UK and had grown into a beautiful, gifted young man. I felt that I'd "done my bit" for society as a result. But my wife had never known what it was like to have a child and, while I was fighting depression over the news, she was utterly elated.
There was an immediate financial impact. I had been in a new job for all of four months when we discovered the pregnancy, and that meant we were not covered by the medical insurance provided by my employer.
The pre- and postnatal treatments were expensive, and we had to pay more than Dh60,000 to cover it, as we knew from the beginning that the birth would need to be a C-section delivery.
My moods were dark for long periods of time, but I reasoned that it would be OK once the baby was born. After all, I'd done it before and had coped. But it wasn't OK, not by a long shot. The birth had taken its toll on my wife in ways we never thought possible and she was practically an invalid for weeks. We had on our hands a little boy who seemed to do nothing but cry, sleep, feed and defecate in a never-ending cycle.
Apart from the financial hammering we underwent and the health setbacks, the lack of sleep was undoubtedly the worst aspect of being a middle-aged new parent.
________
More read:
Yum by Mum: nutrition for the little ones, delivered straight to your door
[ Advice for UAE mums who want to re-enter the workplace ]
[ 11 safety tips for nursery kids in the UAE ]
________
I hadn't realised, until it started being disturbed, just how I'd grown to love and depend on sleep over the years and, with us both being up and down constantly through each and every night, we didn't take long to snap.
I slept on the sofa most nights in an attempt to improve my rest hours, as I still needed to work full-time. Often I would weep until slumber descended on me, utterly drained, both physically and emotionally, all the while beating myself up about feeling so negative when this little boy was supposed to bring us both untold joy. I felt utterly useless and desperately lonely.
I was stuck in my own personal Groundhog Day and I hated it: get up, get the baby's six bottles filled with formula (after sterilising them in the kitchen, which usually resembled a makeshift science lab), get dressed, go to work, come home, bath and feed the baby, spend an hour or so rocking him to sleep, try to summon up the energy to eat something, collapse into a crumpled heap on the sofa and then hit the repeat button.
There's no way to sugarcoat this, that first year was a living hell and mostly I put that down to my age and our location. When my first son was born, I was in my early 20s and surrounded by friends and family who would help us out. This time around my joints were aching and we were entirely bereft of any support network, except for the cleaning lady who came in once a week.
Having spoken to a number of dads here who are a similar age to me, I quickly discovered I was not alone and the emotional descent into the "seventh circle" that I experienced is extremely common among men in their 40s who become fathers, yet is rarely spoken about.
"Most of the people I treat are men aged 35 and up, and many of them are new fathers," says Dr Saliha Afridi, managing director of LightHouse Arabia in Dubai. Afridi is also the clinical psychologist whom I started seeing after I began having panic attacks last year.
"Parenthood is being left later in life than it used to be, because of fertility issues, career building and lifestyle choices," says Afridi.
"But what we often overlook is that, especially for men, this 'middle passage' causes us to question our identities, our lives so far and the choices we've made. Throwing a baby into the mix can cause many unexpected problems."
She adds that men face very specific issues, with societal pressure to "man up and just get on with it" being responsible for much emotional and mental damage. "It can be extremely lonely for men," she advises, "because all the support out there tends to be geared towards new mums. Having a baby puts huge stresses on a marriage at the best of times, and it's important to understand that, for men, it can be likened to experiencing a 'death' of their life up to the point when a child comes along. They will be grieving while adjusting to their new circumstances, dealing with feelings of guilt for feeling the opposite of how they think they should be."
Afridi says that LightHouse Arabia, if it receives sufficient interest from fathers, will soon be arranging regular parenting classes just for them. "They need to seek help," she says, "to initiate some sort of platform to open dialogue with others for advice. Men tend to 'self-medicate' to seek some of that comfort they need, and that's almost always counterproductive."
But my experience also proves that things do get better with time. Once our new son began sleeping through the night (up to 12 hours at a time), the stresses in our home life seemed to melt away. And then, as he got older and began walking and talking, his magical personality started to shine through and I began to enjoy being a dad again. I still do.
Kill
Director: Nikhil Nagesh Bhat
Starring: Lakshya, Tanya Maniktala, Ashish Vidyarthi, Harsh Chhaya, Raghav Juyal
Rating: 4.5/5
Living in...
This article is part of a guide on where to live in the UAE. Our reporters will profile some of the country’s most desirable districts, provide an estimate of rental prices and introduce you to some of the residents who call each area home.
'Doctor Strange in the Multiverse Of Madness'
Director: Sam Raimi
Cast: Benedict Cumberbatch, Elizabeth Olsen, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Benedict Wong, Xochitl Gomez, Michael Stuhlbarg and Rachel McAdams
Rating: 3/5
MATCH INFO
Euro 2020 qualifier
Norway v Spain, Saturday, 10.45pm, UAE
Sarfira
Director: Sudha Kongara Prasad
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Radhika Madan, Paresh Rawal
Rating: 2/5
Our legal consultant
Name: Dr Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
Company Profile
Name: Direct Debit System
Started: Sept 2017
Based: UAE with a subsidiary in the UK
Industry: FinTech
Funding: Undisclosed
Investors: Elaine Jones
Number of employees: 8
OPINIONS ON PALESTINE & ISRAEL
SPECS
Engine: Two-litre four-cylinder turbo
Power: 235hp
Torque: 350Nm
Transmission: Nine-speed automatic
Price: From Dh167,500 ($45,000)
On sale: Now
Confirmed bouts (more to be added)
Cory Sandhagen v Umar Nurmagomedov
Nick Diaz v Vicente Luque
Michael Chiesa v Tony Ferguson
Deiveson Figueiredo v Marlon Vera
Mackenzie Dern v Loopy Godinez
Tickets for the August 3 Fight Night, held in partnership with the Department of Culture and Tourism Abu Dhabi, went on sale earlier this month, through www.etihadarena.ae and www.ticketmaster.ae.
Profile
Name: Carzaty
Founders: Marwan Chaar and Hassan Jaffar
Launched: 2017
Employees: 22
Based: Dubai and Muscat
Sector: Automobile retail
Funding to date: $5.5 million
No more lice
Defining head lice
Pediculus humanus capitis are tiny wingless insects that feed on blood from the human scalp. The adult head louse is up to 3mm long, has six legs, and is tan to greyish-white in colour. The female lives up to four weeks and, once mature, can lay up to 10 eggs per day. These tiny nits firmly attach to the base of the hair shaft, get incubated by body heat and hatch in eight days or so.
Identifying lice
Lice can be identified by itching or a tickling sensation of something moving within the hair. One can confirm that a person has lice by looking closely through the hair and scalp for nits, nymphs or lice. Head lice are most frequently located behind the ears and near the neckline.
Treating lice at home
Head lice must be treated as soon as they are spotted. Start by checking everyone in the family for them, then follow these steps. Remove and wash all clothing and bedding with hot water. Apply medicine according to the label instructions. If some live lice are still found eight to 12 hours after treatment, but are moving more slowly than before, do not re-treat. Comb dead and remaining live lice out of the hair using a fine-toothed comb.
After the initial treatment, check for, comb and remove nits and lice from hair every two to three days. Soak combs and brushes in hot water for 10 minutes.Vacuum the floor and furniture, particularly where the infested person sat or lay.
Courtesy Dr Vishal Rajmal Mehta, specialist paediatrics, RAK Hospital
Results
Men's finals
45kg:Duc Le Hoang (VIE) beat Zolfi Amirhossein (IRI) points 29-28. 48kg: Naruephon Chittra (THA) beat Joseph Vanlalhruaia (IND) TKO round 2.
51kg: Sakchai Chamchit (THA) beat Salam Al Suwaid (IRQ) TKO round 1. 54kg: Veerasak Senanue (THA) beat Huynh Hoang Phi (VIE) 30-25.
57kg: Almaz Sarsembekov (KAZ) beat Tak Chuen Suen (MAC) RSC round 3. 60kg: Yerkanat Ospan (KAZ) beat Ibrahim Bilal (UAE) 30-27.
63.5kg: Abil Galiyev (KAZ) beat Nouredine Samir (UAE) 29-28. 67kg: Narin Wonglakhon (THA) beat Mohammed Mardi (UAE) 29-28.
71kg: Amine El Moatassime (UAE) w/o Shaker Al Tekreeti (IRQ). 75kg: Youssef Abboud (LBN) w/o Ayoob Saki (IRI).
81kg: Ilyass Habibali (UAE) beat Khaled Tarraf (LBN) 29-28. 86kg: Ali Takaloo (IRI) beat Emil Umayev (KAZ) 30-27.
91kg: Hamid Reza Kordabadi (IRI) beat Mohamad Osaily (LBN) RSC round 1. 91-plus kg: Mohammadrezapoor Shirmohammad (IRI) beat Abdulla Hasan (IRQ) 30-27.
Women's finals
45kg: Somruethai Siripathum (THA) beat Ha Huu Huynh (VIE) 30-27. 48kg: Thanawan Thongduang (THA) beat Colleen Saddi (PHI) 30-27.
51kg: Wansawang Srila Or (THA) beat Thuy Phuong Trieu (VIE) 29-28. 54kg: Ruchira Wongsriwo (THA) beat Zeinab Khatoun (LBN) 30-26.
57kg: Sara Idriss (LBN) beat Zahra Nasiri Bargh (IRI) 30-27. 60kg: Kaewrudee Kamtakrapoom (THA) beat Sedigheh Hajivand (IRI) TKO round 2.
63.5kg: Nadiya Moghaddam (IRI) w/o Reem Al Issa (JOR).
COMPANY PROFILE:
Name: Envision
Started: 2017
Founders: Karthik Mahadevan and Karthik Kannan
Based: The Netherlands
Sector: Technology/Assistive Technology
Initial investment: $1.5 million
Current number of staff: 20
Investment stage: Seed
Investors: 4impact, ABN Amro, Impact Ventures and group of angels
Tell-tale signs of burnout
- loss of confidence and appetite
- irritability and emotional outbursts
- sadness
- persistent physical ailments such as headaches, frequent infections and fatigue
- substance abuse, such as smoking or drinking more
- impaired judgement
- excessive and continuous worrying
- irregular sleep patterns
Tips to help overcome burnout
Acknowledge how you are feeling by listening to your warning signs. Set boundaries and learn to say ‘no’
Do activities that you want to do as well as things you have to do
Undertake at least 30 minutes of exercise per day. It releases an abundance of feel-good hormones
Find your form of relaxation and make time for it each day e.g. soothing music, reading or mindful meditation
Sleep and wake at the same time every day, even if your sleep pattern was disrupted. Without enough sleep condition such as stress, anxiety and depression can thrive.
MATCH INFO
Fulham 0
Aston Villa 3 (Grealish 4', Hourihane 15', Mings 48')
Man of the match: Jack Grealish (Aston Villa)
MATCH INFO
BRIGHTON 0
MANCHESTER UNITED 3
McTominay 44'
Mata 73'
Pogba 80'
MATCH INFO
Burnley 0
Man City 3
Raheem Sterling 35', 49'
Ferran Torres 65'
The specs
Engine: 3.8-litre twin-turbo flat-six
Power: 650hp at 6,750rpm
Torque: 800Nm from 2,500-4,000rpm
Transmission: 8-speed dual-clutch auto
Fuel consumption: 11.12L/100km
Price: From Dh796,600
On sale: now
Herc's Adventures
Developer: Big Ape Productions
Publisher: LucasArts
Console: PlayStation 1 & 5, Sega Saturn
Rating: 4/5
Jawab Iteiqal
Director: Mohamed Sammy
Starring: Mohamed Ramadan, Ayad Nasaar, Mohamed Adel and Sabry Fawaz
2 stars
COMPANY PROFILE
Company name: Almouneer
Started: 2017
Founders: Dr Noha Khater and Rania Kadry
Based: Egypt
Number of staff: 120
Investment: Bootstrapped, with support from Insead and Egyptian government, seed round of
$3.6 million led by Global Ventures
A Cat, A Man, and Two Women
Junichiro Tamizaki
Translated by Paul McCarthy
Daunt Books
SERIE A FIXTURES
Saturday
AC Milan v Sampdoria (2.30pm kick-off UAE)
Atalanta v Udinese (5pm)
Benevento v Parma (5pm)
Cagliari v Hellas Verona (5pm)
Genoa v Fiorentina (5pm)
Lazio v Spezia (5pm)
Napoli v Crotone (5pm)
Sassuolo v Roma (5pm)
Torino v Juventus (8pm)
Bologna v Inter Milan (10.45pm)
Zayed Sustainability Prize
THE BIO
BIO:
Born in RAK on December 9, 1983
Lives in Abu Dhabi with her family
She graduated from Emirates University in 2007 with a BA in architectural engineering
Her motto in life is her grandmother’s saying “That who created you will not have you get lost”
Her ambition is to spread UAE’s culture of love and acceptance through serving coffee, the country’s traditional coffee in particular.
Fixtures (6pm UAE unless stated)
Saturday Bournemouth v Leicester City, Chelsea v Manchester City (8.30pm), Huddersfield v Tottenham Hotspur (3.30pm), Manchester United v Crystal Palace, Stoke City v Southampton, West Bromwich Albion v Watford, West Ham United v Swansea City
Sunday Arsenal v Brighton (3pm), Everton v Burnley (5.15pm), Newcastle United v Liverpool (6.30pm)
'Worse than a prison sentence'
Marie Byrne, a counsellor who volunteers at the UAE government's mental health crisis helpline, said the ordeal the crew had been through would take time to overcome.
“It was worse than a prison sentence, where at least someone can deal with a set amount of time incarcerated," she said.
“They were living in perpetual mystery as to how their futures would pan out, and what that would be.
“Because of coronavirus, the world is very different now to the one they left, that will also have an impact.
“It will not fully register until they are on dry land. Some have not seen their young children grow up while others will have to rebuild relationships.
“It will be a challenge mentally, and to find other work to support their families as they have been out of circulation for so long. Hopefully they will get the care they need when they get home.”
Company Profile
Name: HyveGeo
Started: 2023
Founders: Abdulaziz bin Redha, Dr Samsurin Welch, Eva Morales and Dr Harjit Singh
Based: Cambridge and Dubai
Number of employees: 8
Industry: Sustainability & Environment
Funding: $200,000 plus undisclosed grant
Investors: Venture capital and government
MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League, last-16 second leg
Paris Saint-Germain (1) v Borussia Dortmund (2)
Kick-off: Midnight, Thursday, March 12
Stadium: Parc des Princes
Live: On beIN Sports HD