Say no to the birthday party extravaganza

Raising a child does not have to be an expensive affair, says Nima Abu Wardeh. It's all about getting the right values in place.

Gary Clement for The National

A certain little someone's birthday is coming up soon. It's probably going to be a very intimate family affair, as I've done zero forward planning. Fleeting conversations with a couple of his classmate's mums have revealed that their little munchkins are booked out for elaborate parties for weekends to come. Does this mean that I have failed my child?
Nope. It means I'm busy. Plus, I am stepping away from the insanity of inviting the whole classroom over for an afternoon of little people on sugar surges ripping through our personal space. I now understand why a parent told me that they can't possibly travel with their children without being accompanied by another adult; I'm still picking through the carnage in the playroom post a December get together. Certain boys will not be invited back.
At the risk of irking frazzled parents who believe they're doing everything in their power to remedy out of control behaviour - yes, it is your fault.
Time for us to look in the mirror and figure out how we got here.
Part of the reason is that we are raising future generations who cannot be happy for someone else's good fortune, who need constant entertaining, who do not respect or value other people's things - and most likely their own either - and who cannot possibly leave a place without a new possession in hand.
When did it become standard birthday-etiquette for invitees to ask unabashedly for their party bag upon exit? Whatever happened to celebrating the celebrant, full stop? How does this help nurture balanced, giving, sharing people? How about being happy for others, giving without expecting something in return and valuing having a good time where the focus is on doing things and not on getting things?
Plus, have you stopped to think about what this is costing you, not only in hard currency but also in time, effort and fretting?
All these strains appear to have tipped one mother in the United Kingdom over to the dark side when a classmate of her son's didn't turn up to his fifth birthday party. She sent the offending parents a demand to pay her cost - £15.95 (Dh89) to be precise.
When it comes to things such as birthday parties and gifts, it's as expensive as you make it - as opposed to other outings that are pretty much set by the market such as nursery fees or health care.
It's an expensive business, bringing up children. HSBC's annual Expat Explorer 2014 survey found that for 85 per cent of those questioned in the UAE, the overall cost here is higher than back home. In the UK, the cost of raising a child to the age of 21 - and this is without paying for school fees - now totals £229,251, according to the Centre of Economic and Business Research. It's up 63 per cent from the £140,398 it cost when this report first came out in 2003.
Of course, every parent wants the best for their offspring. But how is this defined? There are pockets of expense where parents can do themselves a favour and spend less.
I thoroughly enjoyed our home-made themed gatherings. Last year we had a ninja birthday. All props were made by hand, other than the giant posters of dragons I had printed. And I'm especially proud of the ninja lollipops that I was still making when the guests arrived. (Buy red, green and black crepe paper and roll it up around the stick and the lollipop so that the lollipop is the head and the stick forms the body. Cut out goggles from white paper, draw two circles, stick 'em on the head and there you have it - a little ninja staring back at you.)
The year before it was a pirate theme. We made the boat that morning from a big box I found.
Each has been a joy and memorable for the togetherness in planning, creating the props and taking on the adventure of the day itself.
But this year we'll give it a miss. Just typing these words floods my body with instant relaxing chemicals - as much as I loved them, the celebrations certainly took their toll.
But it's not just about what I decide to put myself through for the occasion - it's also about whether I will be true to my values. When leaving a birthday party recently I realised that my son had forgotten to collect his party bag when I saw others eagerly opening theirs up as they got into their cars - and I was happy. Happy that he was content and oblivious to this gimmick of our times.
Am I brave enough to ban them in future gatherings, perhaps at the expense of my child's street-cred? It seems that I will escape having to decide - for now.
The bigger picture is this - we do have control over certain child-related expenses. It's not about them as much as it is about us - our relationship with just about everything, including money, ourselves and our flesh and blood.
Nima Abu Wardeh is the founder of the personal finance website cashy.me. You can reach her at [e-mail].
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