In hard times, we roll with the punchlines



One of the most tedious tasks of the proofreader is poring over pages upon pages of "what's on" listings. But the job is always brightened somewhat by the tribute band section. You can imagine By Jovi as a posh Bon Jovi act dressed in smoking jackets. Nearvana is an almost poignant moniker: a band destined never to taste the success of Kurt Cobain's rock trio. Recently, there's been a brand new slot in those much-maligned listings: the tribute comedian. No, these aren't wannabe stand-ups fixated on performing in the style of their raconteur hero Bill Hicks, much as Oasis might idolise The Beatles. These are jokesters with not many jokes of their own, going out on the road and pretending to be much more famous comedians. For money.

The most famous example is the Peter Kay tribute, Lee Lard. Instead of shelling out £35 (Dh208) to see the creator of Phoenix Nights and Max & Paddy from the back of a giant arena, you can, instead, pay £10 to see someone pretend to be him in a hotel function room near you. Lard does the garlic bread catchphrase, he dresses up as Brian Potter from Phoenix Nights and you get a bowl of curry and rice thrown in, too.

So why would you not want to see the real thing? Everyone, of course, would. But when the real thing is often so prohibitively expensive, no wonder many are opting for credit-crunch comedy. Lard has made a career out of telling someone else's jokes. And in a way, it's not surprising. There is a huge appetite for stand-up comedy in the UK: the truly big-name comedians planning arena tours sell those venues out immediately. The punchline? A whopping 2.26 million comedy DVDs were sold in the UK alone in 2009, not including the month before Christmas.

That's a 38 per cent rise on 2008, and, really, one man is responsible: Michael McIntyre. This is a comic who has said: "I don't really do jokes. I just talk about things that I find funny. I don't do gags, just observational comedy. I just collect all these stories and try them out and if people laugh I do them again and make them better." And yet he can boast the fastest-selling debut comedy DVD of all time. His latest, Hello Wembley, accounts for a staggering 90 per cent of that 2009 rise in sales.

Having watched Hello Wembley over Christmas, I can report that it is indeed sharp, memorable, observational comedy. It's true that he doesn't do punchlines, instead slowly building genuinely funny stories everyone can relate to. He adds in lashings of energy and physical humour. Crucially, he makes himself so likeable that you want to laugh. Surely it won't be long before McIntyre has a tribute of his own.

The evening after we'd laughed with McIntyre (and that's his real success - it doesn't feel like he's telling you jokes, just pointing out the inherent humour in life), it was time for Jason Manford to step into our living room. Manford also finds himself in the upper echelons of the comedy DVD charts, but there's a reason why McIntyre is top by some distance. Manford has also, for reasons of geography (they're both from the north-west of England), been compared to Peter Kay, but he is more like a less energetic, less polished McIntyre. Indeed, some of the jokes are worryingly similar, particularly when they're both talking about men's toilets or burglars in the house.

Of course, there are only so many observations on relatively well-off family life you can make - and they have to be obvious so the audience recognises them and laughs. And the key to the huge success of observational comics such as McIntyre and Manford is certainly the family. You don't need to be alert with the remote control in case Granny is offended. It's generally safe, conservative comedy - stand-up for people who don't like the potential confrontation of going to see stand-up live.

If all this is about knowing what we like and liking what we know, no wonder there's money to be made from tribute comedians. It's why, with a Google search, you could hire Billy Connolly, Lee Evans or Borat to be the star attraction at your function. Well, you'd actually book Gary Moir, Ian Jones or Stuart Morrison, but you get the idea. And you can really say you've made it as a comedian or a band when you have a tribute act, which means that, despite the DVD sales, the television programmes and the sold-out signs, McIntyre is still missing that vital last ingredient for genuine crossover success: someone making money by pretending to be him, and telling his jokes. Bizarre, isn't it?

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

Starring: Winona Ryder, Michael Keaton, Jenny Ortega

Director: Tim Burton

Rating: 3/5

Saturday's results

Brighton 1-1 Leicester City
Everton 1-0 Cardiff City
Manchester United 0-0 Crystal Palace
Watford 0-3 Liverpool
West Ham United 0-4 Manchester City

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How to turn your property into a holiday home
  1. Ensure decoration and styling – and portal photography – quality is high to achieve maximum rates.
  2. Research equivalent Airbnb homes in your location to ensure competitiveness.
  3. Post on all relevant platforms to reach the widest audience; whether you let personally or via an agency know your potential guest profile – aiming for the wrong demographic may leave your property empty.
  4. Factor in costs when working out if holiday letting is beneficial. The annual DCTM fee runs from Dh370 for a one-bedroom flat to Dh1,200. Tourism tax is Dh10-15 per bedroom, per night.
  5. Check your management company has a physical office, a valid DTCM licence and is licencing your property and paying tourism taxes. For transparency, regularly view your booking calendar.
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Company name: baraka
Started: July 2020
Founders: Feras Jalbout and Kunal Taneja
Based: Dubai and Bahrain
Sector: FinTech
Initial investment: $150,000
Current staff: 12
Stage: Pre-seed capital raising of $1 million
Investors: Class 5 Global, FJ Labs, IMO Ventures, The Community Fund, VentureSouq, Fox Ventures, Dr Abdulla Elyas (private investment)

Company profile

Date started: Founded in May 2017 and operational since April 2018

Founders: co-founder and chief executive, Doaa Aref; Dr Rasha Rady, co-founder and chief operating officer.

Based: Cairo, Egypt

Sector: Health-tech

Size: 22 employees

Funding: Seed funding 

Investors: Flat6labs, 500 Falcons, three angel investors

Find the right policy for you

Don’t wait until the week you fly to sign up for insurance – get it when you book your trip. Insurance covers you for cancellation and anything else that can go wrong before you leave.

Some insurers, such as World Nomads, allow you to book once you are travelling – but, as Mr Mohammed found out, pre-existing medical conditions are not covered.

Check your credit card before booking insurance to see if you have any travel insurance as a benefit – most UAE banks, such as Emirates NBD, First Abu Dhabi Bank and Abu Dhabi Islamic Bank, have cards that throw in insurance as part of their package. But read the fine print – they may only cover emergencies while you’re travelling, not cancellation before a trip.

Pre-existing medical conditions such as a heart condition, diabetes, epilepsy and even asthma may not be included as standard. Again, check the terms, exclusions and limitations of any insurance carefully.

If you want trip cancellation or curtailment, baggage loss or delay covered, you may need a higher-grade plan, says Ambareen Musa of Souqalmal.com. Decide how much coverage you need for emergency medical expenses or personal liability. Premium insurance packages give up to $1 million (Dh3.7m) in each category, Ms Musa adds.

Don’t wait for days to call your insurer if you need to make a claim. You may be required to notify them within 72 hours. Gather together all receipts, emails and reports to prove that you paid for something, that you didn’t use it and that you did not get reimbursed.

Finally, consider optional extras you may need, says Sarah Pickford of Travel Counsellors, such as a winter sports holiday. Also ensure all individuals can travel independently on that cover, she adds. And remember: “Cheap isn’t necessarily best.”

Movie: Saheb, Biwi aur Gangster 3

Producer: JAR Films

Director: Tigmanshu Dhulia

Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Jimmy Sheirgill, Mahie Gill, Chitrangda Singh, Kabir Bedi

Rating: 3 star

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Fresh faces in UAE side

Khalifa Mubarak (24) An accomplished centre-back, the Al Nasr defender’s progress has been hampered in the past by injury. With not many options in central defence, he would bolster what can be a problem area.

Ali Salmeen (22) Has been superb at the heart of Al Wasl’s midfield these past two seasons, with the Dubai club flourishing under manager Rodolfo Arrubarrena. Would add workrate and composure to the centre of the park.

Mohammed Jamal (23) Enjoyed a stellar 2016/17 Arabian Gulf League campaign, proving integral to Al Jazira as the capital club sealed the championship for only a second time. A tenacious and disciplined central midfielder.

Khalfan Mubarak (22) One of the most exciting players in the UAE, the Al Jazira playmaker has been likened in style to Omar Abdulrahman. Has minimal international experience already, but there should be much more to come.

Jassim Yaqoub (20) Another incredibly exciting prospect, the Al Nasr winger is becoming a regular contributor at club level. Pacey, direct and with an eye for goal, he would provide the team’s attack an extra dimension.

Common OCD symptoms and how they manifest

Checking: the obsession or thoughts focus on some harm coming from things not being as they should, which usually centre around the theme of safety. For example, the obsession is “the building will burn down”, therefore the compulsion is checking that the oven is switched off.

Contamination: the obsession is focused on the presence of germs, dirt or harmful bacteria and how this will impact the person and/or their loved ones. For example, the obsession is “the floor is dirty; me and my family will get sick and die”, the compulsion is repetitive cleaning.

Orderliness: the obsession is a fear of sitting with uncomfortable feelings, or to prevent harm coming to oneself or others. Objectively there appears to be no logical link between the obsession and compulsion. For example,” I won’t feel right if the jars aren’t lined up” or “harm will come to my family if I don’t line up all the jars”, so the compulsion is therefore lining up the jars.

Intrusive thoughts: the intrusive thought is usually highly distressing and repetitive. Common examples may include thoughts of perpetrating violence towards others, harming others, or questions over one’s character or deeds, usually in conflict with the person’s true values. An example would be: “I think I might hurt my family”, which in turn leads to the compulsion of avoiding social gatherings.

Hoarding: the intrusive thought is the overvaluing of objects or possessions, while the compulsion is stashing or hoarding these items and refusing to let them go. For example, “this newspaper may come in useful one day”, therefore, the compulsion is hoarding newspapers instead of discarding them the next day.

Source: Dr Robert Chandler, clinical psychologist at Lighthouse Arabia

The Buckingham Murders

Starring: Kareena Kapoor Khan, Ash Tandon, Prabhleen Sandhu

Director: Hansal Mehta

Rating: 4 / 5

Review: Tomb Raider
Dir: Roar Uthaug
Starring: Alicia Vikander, Dominic West, Daniel Wu, Walter Goggins
​​​​​​​two stars

Teaching your child to save

Pre-school (three - five years)

You can’t yet talk about investing or borrowing, but introduce a “classic” money bank and start putting gifts and allowances away. When the child wants a specific toy, have them save for it and help them track their progress.

Early childhood (six - eight years)

Replace the money bank with three jars labelled ‘saving’, ‘spending’ and ‘sharing’. Have the child divide their allowance into the three jars each week and explain their choices in splitting their pocket money. A guide could be 25 per cent saving, 50 per cent spending, 25 per cent for charity and gift-giving.

Middle childhood (nine - 11 years)

Open a bank savings account and help your child establish a budget and set a savings goal. Introduce the notion of ‘paying yourself first’ by putting away savings as soon as your allowance is paid.

Young teens (12 - 14 years)

Change your child’s allowance from weekly to monthly and help them pinpoint long-range goals such as a trip, so they can start longer-term saving and find new ways to increase their saving.

Teenage (15 - 18 years)

Discuss mutual expectations about university costs and identify what they can help fund and set goals. Don’t pay for everything, so they can experience the pride of contributing.

Young adulthood (19 - 22 years)

Discuss post-graduation plans and future life goals, quantify expenses such as first apartment, work wardrobe, holidays and help them continue to save towards these goals.

* JP Morgan Private Bank 

The specs

  Engine: 2-litre or 3-litre 4Motion all-wheel-drive Power: 250Nm (2-litre); 340 (3-litre) Torque: 450Nm Transmission: 8-speed automatic Starting price: From Dh212,000 On sale: Now

MATCH INFO

West Ham United 2 (Antonio 73', Ogbonna 90 5')

Tottenham Hotspur 3 (Son 36', Moura 42', Kane 49')

The specs: 2018 Mercedes-Benz E 300 Cabriolet

Price, base / as tested: Dh275,250 / Dh328,465

Engine: 2.0-litre four-cylinder

Power: 245hp @ 5,500rpm

Torque: 370Nm @ 1,300rpm

Transmission: Nine-speed automatic

Fuel consumption, combined: 7.0L / 100km

ETFs explained

Exhchange traded funds are bought and sold like shares, but operate as index-tracking funds, passively following their chosen indices, such as the S&P 500, FTSE 100 and the FTSE All World, plus a vast range of smaller exchanges and commodities, such as gold, silver, copper sugar, coffee and oil.

ETFs have zero upfront fees and annual charges as low as 0.07 per cent a year, which means you get to keep more of your returns, as actively managed funds can charge as much as 1.5 per cent a year.

There are thousands to choose from, with the five biggest providers BlackRock’s iShares range, Vanguard, State Street Global Advisors SPDR ETFs, Deutsche Bank AWM X-trackers and Invesco PowerShares.

THE SPECS

Engine: 1.5-litre, four-cylinder turbo

Transmission: seven-speed dual clutch automatic

Power: 169bhp

Torque: 250Nm

Price: Dh54,500

On sale: now

Yuki Means Happiness
Alison Jean Lester
John Murray 

Tips for entertaining with ease

·         Set the table the night before. It’s a small job but it will make you feel more organised once done.

·         As the host, your mood sets the tone. If people arrive to find you red-faced and harried, they’re not going to relax until you do. Take a deep breath and try to exude calm energy.

·         Guests tend to turn up thirsty. Fill a big jug with iced water and lemon or lime slices and encourage people to help themselves.

·         Have some background music on to help create a bit of ambience and fill any initial lulls in conversations.

·         The meal certainly doesn’t need to be ready the moment your guests step through the door, but if there’s a nibble or two that can be passed around it will ward off hunger pangs and buy you a bit more time in the kitchen.

·         You absolutely don’t have to make every element of the brunch from scratch. Take inspiration from our ideas for ready-made extras and by all means pick up a store-bought dessert.

 

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EA Sports FC 25
The specs
Engine: 77.4kW all-wheel-drive dual motor
Power: 320bhp
Torque: 605Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh219,000
On sale: Now
When is VAR used?

Goals

Penalty decisions

Direct red-card incidents

Mistaken identity

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