If an IPL match takes place and there are no cheerleaders there to see it, is it really an IPL match?
So what about this, then: for the 2020 season, we are all going to have to focus on the cricket instead.
Of all the sports that have returned post lockdown, cricket has felt the one most similar to normal.
The television coverage of the UK summer was overlaid with the baseline hum of a Test-match day at Lord’s.
Otherwise, there were no artificial effects. No delayed crowd noise for a wicket, like there are for goals in football, for example.
Peculiarly, music did still boom out of the public address systems at the grounds when there were limited-overs matches in those summer series. Presumably, solely for the benefit of the players.
Maybe it has become such a part of the routine now that they can’t be without it.
In the finale of the one-day international series between England and Australia on Wednesday night, the tunes were still ringing out even as the action on the field reached its nail-biting climax.
On the Australian balcony, the hero of Australia’s run chase, Glenn Maxwell, should have been entirely invested in the play.
Instead, he was absent-mindedly humming the chorus to Sweet Caroline, by Neil Diamond.
It is physically impossible not to add a “bap, bap, bap,” before declaring that good times never seemed so good when that song is playing. Not that it has anything to do with cricket, of course.
A surfeit of artifice is standard for an IPL production, though. Enhancing the spectator experience, rather than leaving the sport on the field to market itself, has been central to the competition since day one.
The whole movement birthed a term of its own: cricketainment. When the 13th season of the IPL gets underway in Abu Dhabi on Saturday, it will be less cricketainment, more old-school cricket.
Will it be able to survive? Will be people really be able to get on board with just watching Virat Kohli stroking cover-drives, or Sunil Narine turning the ball the opposite way to what you expected, or Kagiso Rabada bowling fast?
What will it be like without the crowd being whipped into a frenzy by an on-site DJ and cheerleaders?
How will we cope? Hopefully, just fine.
The IPL often feels like forced fun, with an atmosphere in the stadiums that is more organised than organic. Cheer now, listen to this jingle, and if you’re being too quiet, everyone scream “R-C-Bee!”
With no-one in the grounds other than the players and officials this time, it will be the cricket that leads the feelings of the supporters, watching via their TV sets. It is a crazy concept, but it might just work.
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Star absentees
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Suresh Raina (Chennai Super Kings): The most high-profile withdrawal. Raina’s decision to return to India came while his Chennai Super Kings were in the midst of a Covid-19 outbreak, and after he had suffered a family tragedy at home. AFP -
Jason Roy (Delhi Capitals): Roy is back opening the batting for England after fitness issues kept him out of T20 series against Pakistan and Australia. But he had already signalled his intention to skip the IPL in favour of getting in shape. AFP -
Chris Woakes (Delhi Capitals): One of England’s most trusted death-over specialists has been a big earner in the IPL in times past. He opted out of this one because his wife is expecting a baby this month. PA -
Lasith Malinga (Mumbai Indians): The leading wicket-taker in IPL history is certainly out of the start of the competition, with James Pattinson brought in to replace him. He cited personal issues, which are understood to relate to his father being ill. AP -
Mitchell Starc (Unattached): Starc has not played in the IPL since 2015. He was due to play for Kolkata Knight Riders in 2018, but was injured, leading to a legal dispute over an insurance pay-out. He has opted out of each season since. Pawan Singh / The National -
Kane Richardson (Royal Challengers Bangalore): The Australian seamer had been recruited as a potential cure for RCB’s death over ills, but he subsequently decided to skip it. He had concerns over the Covid-19 travel issues, which might have led him to miss the birth of his first child. AFP -
Harbhajan Singh (Chennai Super Kings): Harbhajan, who turned 40 in July, was a notable absentee when CSK set off on their private charter flight to Dubai. He was supposed to follow, but eventually announced he would not be travelling due to personal reasons. AP -
Harry Gurney (Kolkata Knight Riders): The left-arm seamer had a good look round in franchise cricket last year, playing is Australia, Pakistan and the Caribbean, as well as for KKR. He had been due back this season, but fell foul of injury. AFP -
Mustafizur Rahman (Kolkata Knight Riders): Kolkata had initially looked at 'The Fizz' as a direct pace bowling replacement for Gurney. Rahman, centre, was not given permission to travel by Bangladesh, though, so they turned their attention to the American fast bowler Ali Khan instead. AFP -
Ben Stokes (Rajasthan Royals): The England all-rounder’s availability for Rajasthan Royals is unclear, but he seems certain to miss the start of the competition at the very least. He returned to New Zealand midway through the summer to be with his father, who has been diagnosed with brain cancer. AFP
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Certainly, the supporters are hungry for it. Having had so long without cricket, they cannot wait for the competition to get started.
The IPL rarely goes short when it comes to eyeballs on screens. But, even by its own remarkable ratings, this year’s figures are likely to be massive.
“I think the viewership is going to be absolutely staggering, to be honest,” Jake Lush McCrum, the chief operating officer of Rajasthan Royals, said.
“If you look at other leagues who have returned, there have been records broken across the board, so we are excited for the IPL viewing figures this year.”
Sourav Ganguly, the president of India’s cricket board, predicted as much, too.
“[The broadcasters] are actually expecting the highest rating of IPL this season because they believe if supporters don’t turn up in the ground, they will be watching on their television sets,” Ganguly said.
As Ganguly said, there is a positive in everything.
So it might feel frustrating that the IPL is right on our doorstep, but we can’t get in to see it. And that the players are here, but they are partitioned away from public view.
But at least there will be some cricket to watch, and it might be even more watchable than before.
