Mike Ashley, the Newcastle owner, usually provides the season's most comical moments. Chris Ratcliffe / AFP Photo
Mike Ashley, the Newcastle owner, usually provides the season's most comical moments. Chris Ratcliffe / AFP Photo

Mike Ashley is a man with a mission



Have you been following the WikiLeaks revelations? To be honest, the leaked cables have not told us much that we did not already know: basically, people are much nastier about each other in private than they are in public. Wow. Stop the presses.

Still, if you are prepared to wade through the thousands of secret e-mails published by the renegade website, you may find the odd gem.

For instance, while Newcastle United fans scratched their baffled heads this week at the sacking of Chris Hughton, their likeable and successful manager, I stumbled across these hidden communiques. They would appear to explain a lot.

Top secret memo

To: Special Agent Mike Ashley

From: The Dark Forces of Football

Subject: Mission Review

Date: November 2010

Dear Special Agent Ashley,

Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to visit the DFF's secret volcanic lair for your performance assessment. We were pleased that you enjoyed your stay and so admired our little … aquarium.

However, after much consideration, we feel that your ownership of Newcastle United Football Club has been suffering in recent months from what we call "mission creep". That is to say, you have lost track of your original goals.

As you know, we believe that football is a circus - and every circus needs a clown. For as long as anyone can remember, Newcastle United has provided the rest of us with laughter: the failed pipe dreams, the megalomaniac owners, the puffed-up fans with their delusions of grandeur. If we belong to a Football Family, then Newcastle has a vital role to play as the idiot cousin.

No matter how shoddily life treats the average football fan, he must always be able to look to St James' Park, smile, and say: "Oh well, it could be worse. That lot have just spent £17 million on a crocked Michael Owen, or sacked Bobby Robson for finishing fifth."

You knew all this, Special Agent Ashley, when we installed you as owner in June 2007. In fact, in the early stages of your mission, you exceeded all expectations. Hiring the ring-rusty and overly sensitive Kevin Keegan as manager, then making him work with Dennis Wise, was an absolute masterstroke.

Equally masterful was your clumsy and costly ousting of Keegan, a club legend, only to replace him with the unhealthy under-achiever Joe Kinnear. The protests outside St James' Park were an indicator of your success, and exactly the sort of nonsense all other fans enjoy watching.

Finally, your decision to fend off relegation with the untried Alan Shearer was music to our ears. How every fan in the country smirked as television's smuggest pundit discovered that coaching from the touchline was a tad harder than offering glib cliches from a cosy studio. Relegation was assured. The Geordies wept. We all laughed.

But since then, Special Agent Ashley, the laughs have been rather thin on the ground. Chris Hughton, your caretaker manager, has proved to be a new broom.

Not only did he achieve promotion after just one season - and therefore prevent Newcastle suffering the sort of terminal decline experienced by other fallen "giants" like Leeds United and Sheffield Wednesday (my, that would have been a hoot) - but the club currently lie in 12th place, four points away from European football. Along the way, Hughton's men beat league-leaders Arsenal in their own backyard, thrashed Aston Villa 6-0 and spanked local rivals Sunderland 5-1.

Hughton also helped to rehabilitate the perennially "troubled" midfielder Joey Barton back into a valuable player (and human being), and took a gamble on Andy Carroll, a lanky centre-forward from the reserve team now considered good enough to play for England.

Your man is qualified, dignified, likeable, respected and not prone to airing any dirty laundry in public. In short, he is not what we expect of Newcastle managers. Newcastle fans may be happy, but we are not. There is no humour in contentment and stability. If there was, John Cleese would still be making us laugh.

It is time to act, Special Agent Ashley, or the next time you admire our aquarium, it will be from the wet side of the glass, and your inexpensive polyester sportswear will provide scant protection against my hungry piranhas. Mwah ha ha!

With kind regards,

The DFF Committee

Top secret memo

To: Special Agent Mike Ashley

From: The Dark Forces of Football

Subject: Hughton sacking

Date: December 6, 2010

Dear Special Agent Ashley,

OK, so you have sacked Hughton. It is a good start, but now you must pick a suitably laughable successor. We want to see the Newcastle fans headbutting walls in frustration. Have you considered simply appointing one of your mates?

Sincerely,

The DFF Committee

Top secret memo

To: Special Agent Mike Ashley

From: The Dark Forces of Football

Subject: Alan Pardew? Seriously?

Date: December 7, 2010

Dear Special Agent Ashley,

Alan Pardew? The guy who oversaw West Ham United's worst run of defeats for 70 years? The man who took Charlton Athletic down and failed to get them back up? The chap last seen getting sacked from Southampton because of personality clashes? This is your best work yet!

Special Agent Ashley, please accept our sincere apologies for ever doubting you. You are welcome to visit our aquarium any time - from the dry side!

Fondest wishes,

The DFF Committee

PS. We were only kidding about appointing one of your mates.

Dengue fever symptoms

High fever (40°C/104°F)
Severe headache
Pain behind the eyes
Muscle and joint pains
Nausea
Vomiting
Swollen glands
Rash

The specs

Engine: 6.5-litre V12 and three electric motors
Power: 1,015hp
Torque: 1,500Nm (estimate)
Transmission: Eight-speed dual-clutch auto
On sale: Early 2024
Price: From Dh2 million (estimate)

Company profile

Company name: Fasset
Started: 2019
Founders: Mohammad Raafi Hossain, Daniel Ahmed
Based: Dubai
Sector: FinTech
Initial investment: $2.45 million
Current number of staff: 86
Investment stage: Pre-series B
Investors: Investcorp, Liberty City Ventures, Fatima Gobi Ventures, Primal Capital, Wealthwell Ventures, FHS Capital, VN2 Capital, local family offices

Company Profile

Name: HyveGeo
Started: 2023
Founders: Abdulaziz bin Redha, Dr Samsurin Welch, Eva Morales and Dr Harjit Singh
Based: Cambridge and Dubai
Number of employees: 8
Industry: Sustainability & Environment
Funding: $200,000 plus undisclosed grant
Investors: Venture capital and government

COMPANY PROFILE

Name: SmartCrowd
Started: 2018
Founder: Siddiq Farid and Musfique Ahmed
Based: Dubai
Sector: FinTech / PropTech
Initial investment: $650,000
Current number of staff: 35
Investment stage: Series A
Investors: Various institutional investors and notable angel investors (500 MENA, Shurooq, Mada, Seedstar, Tricap)

How the UAE gratuity payment is calculated now

Employees leaving an organisation are entitled to an end-of-service gratuity after completing at least one year of service.

The tenure is calculated on the number of days worked and does not include lengthy leave periods, such as a sabbatical. If you have worked for a company between one and five years, you are paid 21 days of pay based on your final basic salary. After five years, however, you are entitled to 30 days of pay. The total lump sum you receive is based on the duration of your employment.

1. For those who have worked between one and five years, on a basic salary of Dh10,000 (calculation based on 30 days):

a. Dh10,000 ÷ 30 = Dh333.33. Your daily wage is Dh333.33

b. Dh333.33 x 21 = Dh7,000. So 21 days salary equates to Dh7,000 in gratuity entitlement for each year of service. Multiply this figure for every year of service up to five years.

2. For those who have worked more than five years

c. 333.33 x 30 = Dh10,000. So 30 days’ salary is Dh10,000 in gratuity entitlement for each year of service.

Note: The maximum figure cannot exceed two years total salary figure.

THE APPRENTICE

Director: Ali Abbasi

Starring: Sebastian Stan, Maria Bakalova, Jeremy Strong

Rating: 3/5

'Ashkal'

Director: Youssef Chebbi

Stars: Fatma Oussaifi and Mohamed Houcine Grayaa

Rating: 4/5

Temple numbers

Expected completion: 2022

Height: 24 meters

Ground floor banquet hall: 370 square metres to accommodate about 750 people

Ground floor multipurpose hall: 92 square metres for up to 200 people

First floor main Prayer Hall: 465 square metres to hold 1,500 people at a time

First floor terrace areas: 2,30 square metres  

Temple will be spread over 6,900 square metres

Structure includes two basements, ground and first floor 

Islamic Architecture: A World History

Author: Eric Broug
Publisher: Thames & Hudson
Pages: 336
Available: September

COMPANY PROFILE

Company name: Revibe
Started: 2022
Founders: Hamza Iraqui and Abdessamad Ben Zakour
Based: UAE
Industry: Refurbished electronics
Funds raised so far: $10m
Investors: Flat6Labs, Resonance and various others

Sarfira

Director: Sudha Kongara Prasad

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Radhika Madan, Paresh Rawal

Rating: 2/5

Company profile

Name: Tabby
Founded: August 2019; platform went live in February 2020
Founder/CEO: Hosam Arab, co-founder: Daniil Barkalov
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Payments
Size: 40-50 employees
Stage: Series A
Investors: Arbor Ventures, Mubadala Capital, Wamda Capital, STV, Raed Ventures, Global Founders Capital, JIMCO, Global Ventures, Venture Souq, Outliers VC, MSA Capital, HOF and AB Accelerator.

Museum of the Future in numbers
  • 78 metres is the height of the museum
  • 30,000 square metres is its total area
  • 17,000 square metres is the length of the stainless steel facade
  • 14 kilometres is the length of LED lights used on the facade
  • 1,024 individual pieces make up the exterior 
  • 7 floors in all, with one for administrative offices
  • 2,400 diagonally intersecting steel members frame the torus shape
  • 100 species of trees and plants dot the gardens
  • Dh145 is the price of a ticket
COMPANY PROFILE

Company: Eco Way
Started: December 2023
Founder: Ivan Kroshnyi
Based: Dubai, UAE
Industry: Electric vehicles
Investors: Bootstrapped with undisclosed funding. Looking to raise funds from outside


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