Katie Trotter: OK, men, don't get caught short

Gentlemen, follow this advice for the long and short on how to wear shorts - if you must.

The fundamental goal of any good journalist is to provide an argument - to present and question both sides, all while allowing the readers to make their own judgement.

We lot should wake up angry, ambitious, with fire in our bellies. To borrow a phrase: we should comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Like everyone, we try our best. The problem is, most of us are rather obstinate, and often remaining impartial seems impossible.

Take men and shorts. Both are perfectly acceptable, just not when paired together. There is no argument here. I'm telling you, I'm screaming it from the rafters: the rules regarding shorts are very much one-sided (if not as complex as a minefield). There are no curve balls, no exceptions. Period. So listen up.

When it comes to dressing, anything without a solid purpose on a man is truly questionable. Think novelty ties, embellished jeans, hats (unless for protection). It's all part of the same Crazy with a K gang. Get it right and - well, you know something I don't. Get it wrong and it's all a bit disturbing, like pulling a funny face in a packed lift.

Never wear short-shorts for shorts' sake. You are not Björn Borg, and he's not even cool anymore. Nor should you go near the really long ones - unless you are an American basketball player. Besides the fact they aren't "shorts" any more, they are ill-fitting trousers.

The same care goes for pattern. While you may be aiming for the whole "I'm so nonchalant and down with myself I don't give a peanut what you think", it doesn't fly. You are almost certainly not a Bermudan.

If you must, however, remember that shorts are supposed to hit just above the knee - not too long and not too short. Sandals and deck shoes are bearable. Socks are not. (Please repeat after me.)

Stick to a casual, long-sleeved shirt in linen or breathable cotton, and roll up the sleeves. Soft fabrics are generally better; you don't want to go near anything with an ironed crease.

Oh, and don't even think of teaming the look with a blazer. If an event is dressy enough for a blazer it is without doubt worth a pair of trousers.

I can hear you muttering. "What do you know about a golf course?" you huff. "What if I'm just hot, you bossy moron?" you puff.

You know what? You may well be right. That's the whole point of opinion. It's there to be challenged. So go ahead - choose to ignore me. Put up a fight. I won't stop you.

It's like dancing at a wedding. There are no laws. One needs to learn only what needs to be avoided.

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This week's highs and lows

SEEING RED Christian Louboutin is unhappy that YSL is "copying" the red soles on his shoe designs - oh, come on!

BLACK BEAUTY We love Jessica Alba's new look as seen in the April issue of Vogue Italia.

BRIGHT TROUSERS Why are fully grown women wearing these obscenely coloured trousers?

ONE-STOP SHOE SHOP My-wardobe.com's recently opened shoe lounge is our new go-to destination.

YET ANOTHER FAREWELL Christophe Decarnin (who put Balmain's ripped jeans on the map) is leaving the brand.