Desi girl: Have movies got you down? Then go bananas

Bollywood is going bananas - golden bananas, to be precise, in the form of the Golden Kela (Golden Banana) Awards, which honour the worst of Indian cinema.

Powered by automated translation

It's that time of the year again: when we hang up our metaphorical stockings and wait for Santa to bring us that metaphorical lump of coal. While I can't speak for you guys, I can safely say that Bollywood has behaved very badly this year: from angering corporations through illegal use of brand names (the use of Murphy Radio in songs from Barfi!) to nominating an out-and-out rip-off for India's official entry to the Oscars (also Barfi!) to rehashing old hits (the remake of Disco Deewane in Student of the Year).

While our favourite, somewhat judgemental, bearded man in red may not make an appearance in person, he has sent the good folks from the Golden Kela Awards to dole out the lumps of coal on his behalf.

The satirical Golden Kela (it means Golden Banana) Awards are Bollywood's version of Hollywood's Golden Raspberry Awards (the Razzies). Created by Random Magazine and the Sundaas Film Institute in 2009 to "enlighten Indian moviegoers and celebrate the worst of what passes for cinema in this country", winners are selected by an online poll and receive an award in the shape of a golden banana.

Claiming to be a "legitimately time-honoured tradition" on their website, the Kela Awards urge audiences to "exact revenge on all the producers, directors, actors (and the rest) who tricked you into wasting your precious hard-earned money on films you would have used as toilet paper if they were available in paper form".

A tad harsh? Not once you start taking stock of some of the marvellously mindless masterpieces spewed out by Bollywood this year.

The list of nominations sends me into spirals of glee. Let's start with Worst Film. No prizes for guessing that Jab Tak Hai Jaan features prominently for being the final and most forgettable work of the late Yash Chopra. Also on the list are Joker (according to the Kela Awards, for being the worst film ever made), Son of Sardaar (for being offensive not just to the Sikh community, but to anyone with intelligence and a sense of humour), Khiladi 786 (thanks largely to the presence of Himesh Reshammiya), Housefull 2 (for having more bad jokes, poor acting, horrible writing and cast members than all the other nominees put together) and lastly, the recently released Dabangg 2 (for proving that Salman Khan should now retire).

Surprisingly, Khan is nowhere on the list of nominees for Worst Actor. This pack is led by Akshay Kumar for a whopping four films (Housefull 2, Rowdy Rathore, Joker and Khiladi 786). Hot on his heels are Ajay Devgn (for Son of Sardaar and Bol Bachchan), Sanjay Dutt (Agneepath), Imran Khan (Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu) and Siddharth Malhotra and Varun Dhawan (Student of the Year).

The Worst Acress list includes Anushka Sharma (Jab Tak Hai Jaan), Deepika Padukone and Diana Penty (Cocktail), Farah Khan (Shirin Farhad Ki Toh Nikal Padi), Alia Bhatt (Student of the Year) and Sonakshi Sinha (for all her films in 2012).

My personal favourite categories? The Why Are You Still Trying? and Have You Lost the Plot? awards.

Voting starts on January 1 on What an awesome way to start the new year.

The writer is an honest-to-goodness desi girl living in Dubai