Not too long ago, I was dragged to a garden centre by my better half. It doesn't sound like much, I realise, but I feel somehow this wasa major turning point in my life, a moment that – years down the line – I will look back at and say: "That is when you turned into the sort of guy who is dragged to garden centres on weekends."
It was a puzzling choice of destination. We don't have a garden. We live in a flat on the 12th floor that doesn't get much in the way of direct sunlight. Our last attempt to "make the balcony look nice" resulted in what was a vibrant bougainvillaea transforming in the space of two weeks into a forlorn stump poking out of a plant pot amid a sea of dead leaves and petals.
But there we were. On a Saturday. In a garden centre. There was my partner, perusing various outdoor plants with the rather sweet, innocent enthusiasm of someone who had blissfully ignored our only-quite-recent horticultural failure. And there was I.
For her sake, I was trying to look eager (OK, so that's not true at all), but all I could really think was that this was the sort of thing I was now going to be doing with my weekends.
No longer would Saturday mornings involve trying to piece together the previous night's antics using the collective evidence of screwed up receipts, club wristbands and assorted bruises. No longer would I wake up to find at least one shoe, sometimes not even mine, still on.
No, from now on I was going to be the sort of guy who gets up, eats muesli, drinks guava juice and is then dragged to a garden centre, or an out-of-town mall, or something equally hideous.
So, as my partner picked some pretty flowers that I can absolutely guarantee will be dead by the time you read this, off I sloped, staring at my feet and wondering where my youth had vanished.
Not even the awful ceramic garden ornaments would rouse me, and I'm a bit of an idiot when it comes to awful ceramic garden ornaments (my prized possession is a panther called Dave that sits proudly in the lounge).
There were other men there in similar situations, I could tell by their look of general despondency. But there were others who genuinely looked like they were enjoying themselves.
Is this what's going to happen to me? Am I soon going to start getting giddy about the prospect of a weekly jaunt to Garden World or whatever it's called? Shudder.
In the end, my day was spared by the most unlikely of objects. Having traipsed past the tropical fish, garden furnishings and vegetable seeds, I found myself alone with my gloom near some ceramic barbecues.
Suddenly, my despair was broken by a roar, and I turned to find a plastic animatronic dinosaur, about four metres long, wiggling its rubber tail and chomping its kid-friendly teeth.
This is where I was found later on, pointing and giggling at the idea that someone might want to outdo their neighbour's garden gnome collection and, well, a robotic T-Rex would probably do the trick.
Sure, trips to garden centres at weekends might not bode well. But I think when the time comes that I stop finding ludicrous animatronic dinosaurs funny is when I should really start to worry.
[ aritman@thenational.ae ]
Mohammed bin Zayed Majlis
Sarfira
Director: Sudha Kongara Prasad
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Radhika Madan, Paresh Rawal
Rating: 2/5
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Xpanceo
Started: 2018
Founders: Roman Axelrod, Valentyn Volkov
Based: Dubai, UAE
Industry: Smart contact lenses, augmented/virtual reality
Funding: $40 million
Investor: Opportunity Venture (Asia)
Company Profile
Company name: Cargoz
Date started: January 2022
Founders: Premlal Pullisserry and Lijo Antony
Based: Dubai
Number of staff: 30
Investment stage: Seed
THE SPECS
Engine: 4.0L twin-turbo V8
Gearbox: eight-speed automatic
Power: 571hp at 6,000rpm
Torque: 800Nm from 2,000-4,500rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 11.4L/100km
Price, base: from Dh571,000
On sale: this week
COMPANY PROFILE
Company name: Revibe
Started: 2022
Founders: Hamza Iraqui and Abdessamad Ben Zakour
Based: UAE
Industry: Refurbished electronics
Funds raised so far: $10m
Investors: Flat6Labs, Resonance and various others
MATCH INFO
Inter Milan 2 (Vecino 65', Barella 83')
Verona 1 (Verre 19' pen)
The BIO:
He became the first Emirati to climb Mount Everest in 2011, from the south section in Nepal
He ascended Mount Everest the next year from the more treacherous north Tibetan side
By 2015, he had completed the Explorers Grand Slam
Last year, he conquered K2, the world’s second-highest mountain located on the Pakistan-Chinese border
He carries dried camel meat, dried dates and a wheat mixture for the final summit push
His new goal is to climb 14 peaks that are more than 8,000 metres above sea level
Company Profile
Company name: Namara
Started: June 2022
Founder: Mohammed Alnamara
Based: Dubai
Sector: Microfinance
Current number of staff: 16
Investment stage: Series A
Investors: Family offices
SPECS
Engine: 1.5-litre turbo
Power: 181hp
Torque: 230Nm
Transmission: 6-speed automatic
Starting price: Dh79,000
On sale: Now
ESSENTIALS
The flights
Emirates flies from Dubai to Phnom Penh via Yangon from Dh2,700 return including taxes. Cambodia Bayon Airlines and Cambodia Angkor Air offer return flights from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap from Dh250 return including taxes. The flight takes about 45 minutes.
The hotels
Rooms at the Raffles Le Royal in Phnom Penh cost from $225 (Dh826) per night including taxes. Rooms at the Grand Hotel d'Angkor cost from $261 (Dh960) per night including taxes.
The tours
A cyclo architecture tour of Phnom Penh costs from $20 (Dh75) per person for about three hours, with Khmer Architecture Tours. Tailor-made tours of all of Cambodia, or sites like Angkor alone, can be arranged by About Asia Travel. Emirates Holidays also offers packages.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom
Director: James Wan
Starring: Jason Mamoa, Patrick Wilson, Amber Heard, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II
Rating: 2/5
SPECS
Engine: Two-litre four-cylinder turbo
Power: 235hp
Torque: 350Nm
Transmission: Nine-speed automatic
Price: From Dh167,500 ($45,000)
On sale: Now
Company profile
Date started: 2015
Founder: John Tsioris and Ioanna Angelidaki
Based: Dubai
Sector: Online grocery delivery
Staff: 200
Funding: Undisclosed, but investors include the Jabbar Internet Group and Venture Friends
England squad
Goalkeepers: Jordan Pickford, Nick Pope, Aaron Ramsdale
Defenders: Trent Alexander-Arnold, Conor Coady, Marc Guehi, Reece James, Harry Maguire, Tyrone Mings, Luke Shaw, John Stones, Ben White
Midfielders: Jude Bellingham, Conor Gallagher, Mason Mount, Jordan Henderson, Declan Rice, James Ward-Prowse
Forwards: Tammy Abraham, Phil Foden, Jack Grealish, Harry Kane, Bukayo Saka, Emile Smith Rowe, Raheem Sterling