A mother's dilemma: to work or not to work

What is the right thing for a mother to do? Stay at home or go to work? Both camps speak out.

Alexandra Tribe, a lawyer and mother of one, is happy working part time: “Sometimes I just need to stop and have some chill-out time.

After Sarah Walton drops off her two young children at school, she has the entire morning to do whatever she wants. Rather than rush home to tidy her five-bedroom villa in Dubai's leafy Umm Suqeim, she spends her time indulging a new-found passion for photography, writing her food blog, www.thehedonista.com, or catching up with friends over coffee while her live-in maid takes care of all the domestic responsibilities.

Walton, a self-professed lady of leisure, laughs at her visa status of "not permitted to work" - and says that she wouldn't have it any other way.

"I live like a princess here," says the 37-year-old Australian who moved to the UAE with her husband, Hamish, 46, a lawyer, and their two sons, seven and four, in April 2008. "I joke with people that I am a Jumeirah Jane and I am.

"People typically think it's a western woman nearing middle age with children who does not have to work and drives around in a big car, gets her nails done and goes to the gym. I think that's a pretty accurate description, and while I don't have my hair or nails done very often, I do go to Pilates, which fits the stereotype."

Walton's leisurely way of life may seem a luxury to some, but she is one of many mothers in the UAE who do not have to work. With husbands earning good salaries that can easily support a wife and family - plus all the trimmings that come with the "Jumeirah Jane" lifestyle such as a giant 4x4 car, beach club memberships and an army of domestic help to keep family life ticking over - women lucky enough to fall into this bracket can literally put their feet up.

"I wonder who coined that phrase 'Jumeirah Jane'?" asks Zareen Khan, the founding partner of Woman 2 Woman, a company that organises women-only business events. "I see women work extremely hard to get invited to exclusive events, use their connections to get photographed in the press and get their designer to create outfits that would could be displayed at any international fashion week. It's exhausting, and a lot of money, time and brain power is used for purposes that at the end of the day have a very short shelf life."

Khan is among the 387,500 working women who make up just 26 per cent of the female population of the UAE and only 14 per cent of the total workforce - figures from Euromonitor International that reflect not only the gender imbalance in the nation's labour market but also the high number of women who choose not to work.

While many stay-at-home mums, such as Walton, say they would work if they lived in their homelands, the UAE's tax-free salaries and inexpensive domestic help make the decision to stay away from the workplace straightforward.

"In the UAE, there are two factors that encourage many women not to work. First, it's the amount of income a woman's husband earns - if that is satisfactory for the both of them, then they don't see a reason for the other spouse to also be working full time," Khan says.

"Second, it's the Muslim influence. I come from a Muslim upbringing, and from a very young age you are told a woman can choose to work, but there is never any pressure or expectation from the family for her to do so. So there is an extreme flexibility here and lots of women who would otherwise choose to work in their own home countries choose not to here."

But ask Inis, 32, a Belgian IT executive who did not want to reveal her full name, how she feels dropping her son at his Abu Dhabi school every day wearing her office suit when the other mums are dressed for a gym session, and she says: "I get jealous. I'd love to be at home more, but I'm married to someone who doesn't earn an oil executive salary, so staying at home is out of the question. I have to work."

"In my son's class there are only five working mothers out of 27 kids and I am the only one working full time so I feel pretty isolated."

Inis says she sometimes feels so envious of "how the other half lives" that she prefers to socialise with other working mums - a preference that extends the other way, too.

"Most of my friends don't work," says "Jumeirah Jane" Walton. "It's not that I don't want to socialise with working mothers, it's just that you don't see them. They don't drop their kids off at school or pick them up and they can't do after-school dates."

Inis and Walton's observations reflect the growing divide between women who work and those who don't. Each group tends to socialise within its own circle, occasionally viewing the other with disdain and, in Inis's case, envy.

"If a woman is working just to make ends meet, then, yes, I am sure she feels a pinch watching a 'Jumeirah Jane' go shopping in the middle of the day," Khan says. "However, there are many women who work for independence and self-development."

That is the philosophy adopted by Huda Serhan, 31, from Jordan, who runs a business selling mood lighting for special occasions. "My husband is a businessman and I could afford to stay at home, but I choose to work," she says.

Serhan has two children, Omar, 12, and Jana, three. "To me it is a sense of achievement. It is also a responsibility. We are here to develop our nations and our economies and pave the way for a better world for our children. I want to be a role model for my children; I set the standards for them and they will follow and create their own ways."

Serhan, who was born and brought up in Dubai and has been working since the age of 17, says she could never give up her career to be a stay-at-home mother. "Being able to make your own money as a woman is empowering. It is security and safety and empowers a woman to achieve, create and learn to be out there meeting new people and leading a life of her own."

But while Serhan's entrepreneurial spirit is admirable, for many mothers finding a career that can fit around their families' needs and their skills is almost impossible.

When Walton moved to the UAE, her youngest son, who has a sensory processing disorder, was one year old, and she decided to focus on his learning needs rather than look for work. With a professional background in wine marketing, she knew she would struggle to find a job to match her experience.

"I want to stay at home mainly because of the kids and, second, because there is no real work for me here," Walton says. "I'd end up taking a job as a school receptionist earning Dh3,000 a month and it's stupid to put yourself under stress if you're not going to earn the salary.

"I could make lots of excuses why I don't work and they are probably quite valid ones, but when it comes down to it I don't think I'm ready to go back to work."

This was also the case for Liz Fenwick, 48, an American writer and mother of three who has lived in the UAE on and off since 2001.

Fenwick worked as an insurance broker in London in the early Nineties, but gave up a career in which she once earned a similar salary to that of her British husband, Chris, 50, a marketing executive.

Her decision was prompted by her husband's postings to new areas of the world such as Canada, Indonesia and Russia, as well as the UAE, and the responsibility of bringing up a young family. "With all the to-ing and fro-ing there was no point working, especially when the children were young," says Fenwick, whose two sons, aged 18 and 16, and 11-year-old daughter attend boarding schools in the UK.

"At times I would have liked to have worked. I grew tired of explaining that I was a stay-at-home mum and justifying that, yes, I was still an intelligent woman."

Fenwick grew up as an only child with a mother who worked as a nurse and teacher - making life as a working mother a likely scenario for her, too.

"My mother was delighted that I could stay at home, especially since I had three children to shuffle and I did not have the backup," Fenwick says. "That is the difficult thing here - mothers don't have family to support them. We do have household help, but a maid cannot supply the same disciplines and values as a sister or grandmother can.

"When the children were younger, their best friends' mother worked full time. And while her children always had the latest computer game, mine didn't, and I'd say to them, 'Well, you have a choice. Either Mummy goes out to work and you can have the latest gadget or Mummy stays at home - which do you want?' Thankfully they were clever enough to say Mummy.

"I know it's a privilege to be around for every scraped knee or squabble and I didn't miss anything, which is probably why I found it easier to cope when we decided to send the children to boarding school in the UK."

Sarah Walton agrees, saying she feels lucky to have a maid to clean her home.

"That's what I was doing every day back home in Australia with a four-year-old and a one-year-old to look after and a business to run," she says. "There was no time to take photographs or blog, and I love exploring these things and using my brain.

"Here I'm not stressed at all and while the life I lead is probably a bit superficial, I'm not going to change it because it is an opportunity to do other things. I've worked hard all my life and I don't think this lifestyle will last for ever. I guess for a lot of women here, once their kids start growing up, they get to a point where they want to work again."

That is the case for Fenwick, who is forging a career as a writer. She had previously written for expatriate magazines and websites, but in 2004 turned her hand to fiction - and this year signed a double book deal. Her first novel will be published next summer, and the deadline for her second book is set for September next year.

"When I got my agent, my husband said to me, 'Your career starts now' and all things going well, I'll be working for the next 20 or 30 years. My husband has carried the financial burden the whole time and I hope I can supplement that income as we head towards retirement," she says.

Fenwick appears to have found the ideal balance between motherhood and work - spending the first years of her married life focusing on her family before switching that focus back to herself - but such harmony is not always achievable.

For Alexandra Tribe, 34, a divorce lawyer and mother of one, balancing the demands of her career and her nine-month-old son Hugo is not easy. Tribe set up her business, Expatriate Law Practice, a division of Al Rowaad Advocates, while she was pregnant and gradually eased back into her professional role two months after the birth.

"At first whenever Hugo saw me get dressed in black he'd get upset, thinking 'She's off again'. Now he is fine and very sociable, which is possibly a result of me not being there 24 hours a day. But I remember coming home one day and saying, 'Hello, darling, how are you?' and his little face turned away, almost as if he was snubbing me. It was so heartbreaking and it was the first time I realised he had his own mind and was noticing things."

Tribe moved to Dubai in 2007 with her husband, James, 35, who works in development for the Abu Dhabi Government. "I've always loved my career," she says. "It's important to me and while I wanted to live abroad I didn't want to do it at the expense of my career. Family law changes every week and if you lose touch, it can be difficult to get back into."

When she arrived in the UAE, Tribe recalls, she was surprised by the number of women who chose not to work. "In London, most of my friends worked, whereas here I hardly know anyone with children doing a full-time job. But I wouldn't like to spend all my time at home.

"I think I'm a better mum to Hugo by doing something myself and hopefully I can then teach him a good work ethic. A friend had a birthday picnic on the beach one morning and I was sitting there in my suit at 7am because I was on my way to a client meeting and I thought: 'This is ridiculous'. But at the same time I'm proud that I'm doing it and there is a sense of achievement."

Although Tribe is happy with her part-time status that involves working six hours a day plus some Fridays and evenings, she admits she does struggle to switch off.

"I feel guilty relaxing, thinking I should either be working or spending time with Hugo. I said to my husband recently, 'Oh, we haven't watched a film for ages', and he said, 'That's because you're always working in the evenings' and it really sunk in that I need to stop and have some chill-out time."

While Tribe and Serhan feel empowered by their decision to work, and Fenwick and Walton believe they are fortunate to be able to focus on their families, one thing is clear: whatever decision a working mother makes, she needs to be happy with it.

"Like everything in life, the grass is always greener on the other side," says Khan, the events executive. "And whether a woman is working or a homemaker, each has to realise that both sides are as gruelling and as rewarding at times - it's always the perspective we choose to look at it from that matters the most."