'Now, what I want is, Facts." So says the schoolmaster Thomas Gradgrind in the opening sentence of Charles Dickens's Hard Times, a novel in which the great author satirises those who mistake information for learning, and repetition for knowledge.
Yet to be considered a true Brit these days, facts are exactly what you need. Ever since the Conservative politician Norman Tebbit's infamous observation in 1990 - that immigrants who root for their native team in sporting events rather than Great Britain may not be sufficiently loyal - government has attempted various methods to gauge whether those applying for British naturalisation truly intend to integrate into the culture. Or are simply economic migrants flying under a flag of convenience.
The latest manifestation is the "Life In The United Kingdom" citizenship test, an examination consisting of 24 questions covering topics such as British society, government, everyday life and employment. Any aspiring immigrant must take the test as part of an overall assessment of an application.
The trouble is, of course, what constitutes being British? You may think a predilection for fish and chips, and a love of football would be sufficient national credentials, but nowadays the most popular meal in the UK is curry, while the majority of Premier League clubs are foreign owned.
When the British runner Mo Farah won his two gold medals at the London Olympics, his triumph was celebrated the length and breadth of the country. Here was a Somali immigrant who moved to the UK when he was 8, armed with barely a word of English: exactly the sort of individual who would have struggled with this new test.
But he's not the only one. Earlier this week I took the official citizenship "practice" exam to test my own national credentials. The exam is available online to provide a dummy run for those considering the real thing. I approached the ordeal with some confidence, yet it was a chastening experience. Of the 24 questions, I answered only 12 correctly, and thus it was no surprise to find out that I had ignominiously failed. Given that I've lived in Britain for all of my 55 years, the result suggests that either the exam - or I - have a lot to learn about the national culture.
Even Prime Minister David Cameron has found out just how intangible a quality "Britishness" is. On Thursday, he appeared on the David Letterman programme in the United States, an appearance that he may now regret.
The primetime show, broadcast nightly on CBS and watched by millions, was presumably intended to give Mr Cameron an opportunity to pontificate on world events and to raise his transatlantic profile. Letterman, however, had other ideas.
"Do you mind if I ask you a lot of dumb American questions?" Letterman asked, before launching into a series of posers on British history and culture that mirrored the sort of questions an aspiring immigrant might expect on the official test. While Mr Cameron started confidently enough, he soon foundered.
Not only was he unable to answer a question about the identity of the composer of Rule Britannia (Mr Cameron answered Edward Elgar; in fact, it is Thomas Arne), but when the questions turned to the Magna Carta - the most important social document in British history - things got even worse.
Although Mr Cameron correctly identified where it was signed - Runnymede - he was unable to provide a translation from the Latin, which is "great charter".
Letterman, of course, watched gleefully at his guest's obvious discomfort like some malevolent schoolmaster. Mr Cameron, meanwhile, did his best to take it all in good stride, bearing his embarrassment stoically and managing - just - not to look too furious at this cultural ambush.
As Mr Cameron flew home to the country of his birth, he'll no doubt be spending his time studying Winston Churchill's four-volume A History of the English-Speaking Peoples rather than government documents and opinion polls. And at his arrival at Heathrow, he will, I imagine, be hoping UK customs officials don't ask him to complete a citizenship test before allowing him to re-enter the country. Otherwise, he may find he has a longer spell abroad than he had anticipated.
Michael Simkins is an actor and writer based in London
On Twitter: @michael_simkins
COMPANY PROFILE
Company name: Revibe
Started: 2022
Founders: Hamza Iraqui and Abdessamad Ben Zakour
Based: UAE
Industry: Refurbished electronics
Funds raised so far: $10m
Investors: Flat6Labs, Resonance and various others
Lampedusa: Gateway to Europe
Pietro Bartolo and Lidia Tilotta
Quercus
THE BIO: Martin Van Almsick
Hometown: Cologne, Germany
Family: Wife Hanan Ahmed and their three children, Marrah (23), Tibijan (19), Amon (13)
Favourite dessert: Umm Ali with dark camel milk chocolate flakes
Favourite hobby: Football
Breakfast routine: a tall glass of camel milk
The biog
Favourite book: You Are the Placebo – Making your mind matter, by Dr Joe Dispenza
Hobby: Running and watching Welsh rugby
Travel destination: Cyprus in the summer
Life goals: To be an aspirational and passionate University educator, enjoy life, be healthy and be the best dad possible.
Living in...
This article is part of a guide on where to live in the UAE. Our reporters will profile some of the country’s most desirable districts, provide an estimate of rental prices and introduce you to some of the residents who call each area home.
Profile Box
Company/date started: 2015
Founder/CEO: Mohammed Toraif
Based: Manama, Bahrain
Sector: Sales, Technology, Conservation
Size: (employees/revenue) 4/ 5,000 downloads
Stage: 1 ($100,000)
Investors: Two first-round investors including, 500 Startups, Fawaz Al Gosaibi Holding (Saudi Arabia)
What is the Supreme Petroleum Council?
The Abu Dhabi Supreme Petroleum Council was established in 1988 and is the highest governing body in Abu Dhabi’s oil and gas industry. The council formulates, oversees and executes the emirate’s petroleum-related policies. It also approves the allocation of capital spending across state-owned Adnoc’s upstream, downstream and midstream operations and functions as the company’s board of directors. The SPC’s mandate is also required for auctioning oil and gas concessions in Abu Dhabi and for awarding blocks to international oil companies. The council is chaired by Sheikh Khalifa, the President and Ruler of Abu Dhabi while Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed, Abu Dhabi’s Crown Prince and Deputy Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, is the vice chairman.
SCORES
Yorkshire Vikings 144-1 in 12.5 overs
(Tom Kohler 72 not out, Harry Broook 42 not out)
bt Hobart Hurricanes 140-7 in 20 overs
(Caleb Jewell 38, Sean Willis 35, Karl Carver 2-29, Josh Shaw 2-39)
Tank warfare
Lt Gen Erik Petersen, deputy chief of programs, US Army, has argued it took a+“three decade holiday” on modernising tanks.
“There clearly remains a significant armoured heavy ground manoeuvre threat in this world and maintaining a world class armoured force is absolutely vital,” the general said in London last week.
“We are developing next generation capabilities to compete with and deter adversaries to prevent opportunism or miscalculation, and, if necessary, defeat any foe decisively.”
Itcan profile
Founders: Mansour Althani and Abdullah Althani
Based: Business Bay, with offices in Saudi Arabia, Egypt and India
Sector: Technology, digital marketing and e-commerce
Size: 70 employees
Revenue: On track to make Dh100 million in revenue this year since its 2015 launch
Funding: Self-funded to date
SPEC SHEET
Display: 10.9" Liquid Retina IPS, 2360 x 1640, 264ppi, wide colour, True Tone, Apple Pencil support
Chip: Apple M1, 8-core CPU, 8-core GPU, 16-core Neural Engine
Memory: 64/256GB storage; 8GB RAM
Main camera: 12MP wide, f/1.8, Smart HDR
Video: 4K @ 25/25/30/60fps, full HD @ 25/30/60fps, slo-mo @ 120/240fps
Front camera: 12MP ultra-wide, f/2.4, Smart HDR, Centre Stage; full HD @ 25/30/60fps
Audio: Stereo speakers
Biometrics: Touch ID
I/O: USB-C, smart connector (for folio/keyboard)
Battery: Up to 10 hours on Wi-Fi; up to 9 hours on cellular
Finish: Space grey, starlight, pink, purple, blue
Price: Wi-Fi – Dh2,499 (64GB) / Dh3,099 (256GB); cellular – Dh3,099 (64GB) / Dh3,699 (256GB)
Directed by: Craig Gillespie
Starring: Emma Stone, Emma Thompson, Joel Fry
4/5
Sting & Shaggy
44/876
(Interscope)
MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League, last-16 second leg
Paris Saint-Germain (1) v Borussia Dortmund (2)
Kick-off: Midnight, Thursday, March 12
Stadium: Parc des Princes
Live: On beIN Sports HD
More from Neighbourhood Watch:
The specs: Volvo XC40
Price: base / as tested: Dh185,000
Engine: 2.0-litre, turbocharged in-line four-cylinder
Gearbox: Eight-speed automatic
Power: 250hp @ 5,500rpm
Torque: 350Nm @ 1,500rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 10.4L / 100km
MORE ON THE US DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES
Squads
India (for first three ODIs) Kohli (capt), Rohit, Rahul, Pandey, Jadhav, Rahane, Dhoni, Pandya, Axar, Kuldeep, Chahal, Bumrah, Bhuvneshwar, Umesh, Shami.
Australia Smith (capt), Warner, Agar, Cartwright, Coulter-Nile, Cummins, Faulkner, Finch, Head, Maxwell, Richardson, Stoinis, Wade, Zampa.
Russia's Muslim Heartlands
Dominic Rubin, Oxford
Cricket World Cup League Two
Teams
Oman, UAE, Namibia
Al Amerat, Muscat
Results
Oman beat UAE by five wickets
UAE beat Namibia by eight runs
Namibia beat Oman by 52 runs
UAE beat Namibia by eight wickets
Fixtures
Saturday January 11 - UAE v Oman
Sunday January 12 – Oman v Namibia
THE BIO
Born: Mukalla, Yemen, 1979
Education: UAE University, Al Ain
Family: Married with two daughters: Asayel, 7, and Sara, 6
Favourite piece of music: Horse Dance by Naseer Shamma
Favourite book: Science and geology
Favourite place to travel to: Washington DC
Best advice you’ve ever been given: If you have a dream, you have to believe it, then you will see it.
UK record temperature
38.7C (101.7F) set in Cambridge in 2019
WHAT IS GRAPHENE?
It was discovered in 2004, when Russian-born Manchester scientists Andrei Geim and Kostya Novoselov were experimenting with sticky tape and graphite, the material used as lead in pencils.
Placing the tape on the graphite and peeling it, they managed to rip off thin flakes of carbon. In the beginning they got flakes consisting of many layers of graphene. But when they repeated the process many times, the flakes got thinner.
By separating the graphite fragments repeatedly, they managed to create flakes that were just one atom thick. Their experiment led to graphene being isolated for the very first time.
In 2010, Geim and Novoselov were awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics.
MORE ON IRAN'S PROXY WARS
Company Profile
Name: Direct Debit System
Started: Sept 2017
Based: UAE with a subsidiary in the UK
Industry: FinTech
Funding: Undisclosed
Investors: Elaine Jones
Number of employees: 8
Most polluted cities in the Middle East
1. Baghdad, Iraq
2. Manama, Bahrain
3. Dhahran, Saudi Arabia
4. Kuwait City, Kuwait
5. Ras Al Khaimah, UAE
6. Ash Shihaniyah, Qatar
7. Abu Dhabi, UAE
8. Cairo, Egypt
9. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
10. Dubai, UAE
Source: 2022 World Air Quality Report
MOST POLLUTED COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD
1. Chad
2. Iraq
3. Pakistan
4. Bahrain
5. Bangladesh
6. Burkina Faso
7. Kuwait
8. India
9. Egypt
10. Tajikistan
Source: 2022 World Air Quality Report
Company profile
Date started: January, 2014
Founders: Mike Dawson, Varuna Singh, and Benita Rowe
Based: Dubai
Sector: Education technology
Size: Five employees
Investment: $100,000 from the ExpoLive Innovation Grant programme in 2018 and an initial $30,000 pre-seed investment from the Turn8 Accelerator in 2014. Most of the projects are government funded.
Partners/incubators: Turn8 Accelerator; In5 Innovation Centre; Expo Live Innovation Impact Grant Programme; Dubai Future Accelerators; FHI 360; VSO and Consult and Coach for a Cause (C3)
The Details
Kabir Singh
Produced by: Cinestaan Studios, T-Series
Directed by: Sandeep Reddy Vanga
Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Kiara Advani, Suresh Oberoi, Soham Majumdar, Arjun Pahwa
Rating: 2.5/5
Company profile
Name: Infinite8
Based: Dubai
Launch year: 2017
Number of employees: 90
Sector: Online gaming industry
Funding: $1.2m from a UAE angel investor
COMPANY PROFILE
Company name: Klipit
Started: 2022
Founders: Venkat Reddy, Mohammed Al Bulooki, Bilal Merchant, Asif Ahmed, Ovais Merchant
Based: Dubai, UAE
Industry: Digital receipts, finance, blockchain
Funding: $4 million
Investors: Privately/self-funded
MATCH INFO
World Cup qualifier
Thailand 2 (Dangda 26', Panya 51')
UAE 1 (Mabkhout 45+2')
The biog
Born: near Sialkot, Pakistan, 1981
Profession: Driver
Family: wife, son (11), daughter (8)
Favourite drink: chai karak
Favourite place in Dubai: The neighbourhood of Khawaneej. “When I see the old houses over there, near the date palms, I can be reminded of my old times. If I don’t go down I cannot recall my old times.”
The alternatives
• Founded in 2014, Telr is a payment aggregator and gateway with an office in Silicon Oasis. It’s e-commerce entry plan costs Dh349 monthly (plus VAT). QR codes direct customers to an online payment page and merchants can generate payments through messaging apps.
• Business Bay’s Pallapay claims 40,000-plus active merchants who can invoice customers and receive payment by card. Fees range from 1.99 per cent plus Dh1 per transaction depending on payment method and location, such as online or via UAE mobile.
• Tap started in May 2013 in Kuwait, allowing Middle East businesses to bill, accept, receive and make payments online “easier, faster and smoother” via goSell and goCollect. It supports more than 10,000 merchants. Monthly fees range from US$65-100, plus card charges of 2.75-3.75 per cent and Dh1.2 per sale.
• 2checkout’s “all-in-one payment gateway and merchant account” accepts payments in 200-plus markets for 2.4-3.9 per cent, plus a Dh1.2-Dh1.8 currency conversion charge. The US provider processes online shop and mobile transactions and has 17,000-plus active digital commerce users.
• PayPal is probably the best-known online goods payment method - usually used for eBay purchases - but can be used to receive funds, providing everyone’s signed up. Costs from 2.9 per cent plus Dh1.2 per transaction.