Five rules for a successful marriage (or so couples say)

The five things every marriage needs to succeed

What's the secret to a happy marriage? Everyone has an opinion on that question. After bugging countless couples in the UAE and Arab world this week, now I do too.

The topic itself is subjective. What is happiness, after all? And as anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship will tell you, there is no fixed strategy or formula for a happy marriage. It is a bit of luck, "qadar" or fate, and the right timing and place. We all know there are simply no guarantees in life.

That said, I've come up with five broad points - I'll call them "rules" - based on what couples told me.

The first is respect. This might seem an obvious one; there should be mutual respect between partners for a relationship to survive. But I often notice how some ignore this central tenant. Example: sitting with a couple ordering dinner, I observed how the husband dismissed his wife who was taking "too long" to make a decision over her meal. Another example: I saw a wife yell at her husband and call him "stupid" in front of his friends. It is these little things that compound and lead to bitterness.

Second is compromise. Relationships can't be one-sided, for that leads to grudges. One day this stored up frustration will just explode. In my interviews couples told me they felt marriage must be entered "out of love", not driven by more materialistic reasoning. When you marry for money or status, you end up accepting a lot of uncomfortable situations as the foundation is weak. "You have to pick your battles and decide what is worth fighting for," said a good friend whose husband has become her best friend over the years.

Then there's understanding. I can't tell you how often I see partners ticking off "an invisible list" in their minds of what they think a "perfect" partner should be doing. True, everyone has an idea of what they want and hope for in a partner. But expecting perfection and being judgmental is a recipe for trouble.

"Before marriage, she was the perfect partner for me. But after marriage, it is like she changed and was acting the whole time during engagement," one friend of mine complained of his wife, not realising, she had the same exact complaint.

Fourth, maintaining a positive outlook. This can really help in ensuring a happy marriage. If couples are only pessimistic and negative about the obstacles life throws them, gloom will envelope them.

One couple I spoke with had nurtured just the right attitude to stay happy. They said when they fell on hard times, that they will just "live in a small hut, but be forced to hug each other to keep warm".

Finally, keeping a sense of humour is critical. There are many studies showing that men like a partner to "laugh" at their jokes and make them feel special. Women, meanwhile, like men who make them laugh and forget their problems. Whatever the case, all the couples said it is good to have laughter in their relationship, particularly when the jokes are about the relationship. An argument can be diverted by poking fun at it. This is a way to bring out a problem, but in a gentle or light way.

Are these all obvious points? Yes they are, but you would be surprised how neglected obvious points can be in marriages.

In the end, what works and why, can't be defined in broad strokes. But I just wish more people, when they look for partners or are in marriages of same or mixed nationalities, would remember the wise words from the last sermon spoken by the Prophet Mohammed.

He said: "All mankind is descended from Adam and Eve, an Arab is not better than a non-Arab and a non-Arab is not better than an Arab; a white person is not better than a black person, nor is a black person better than a white person except by piety and good actions. Learn that every Muslim is the brother of every other Muslim and that Muslims form one brotherhood."

And maybe that's the most important "rule" there is.

Twitter: @Arabianmau