Marriage is not a magic wand

Each month, Weekend will pose a different question to be debated on by a series of female Emirati columnists. This week, we ask Asmaa Al Hameli:

How are Emirati women’s attitudes changing towards marriage in the UAE today?

Soon, I will turn 24. In the Al Hameli household, I may be the first girl who is “late” in getting married. Although a few men have asked for my hand, I did not want to get married for the sake of getting married. Every girl yearns to meet her knight, and accepting any proposal out of fear that there will not be another is not my cup of tea.

The faith of the suitor and his character are the virtues I am looking for in my soulmate. I am aware that in our society, when a girl reaches a certain age and is not yet married, some in the community tend to think: “She might have some defects, that’s why she is still single”. If there is one thing life has taught me, it is to live up to the principles I have set for myself, and not those set by others.

Many of my friends are married with children. Sometimes, out of curiosity, I ask them about their lives. Often, after about a year of marriage, the response is: “The fun is over after a few months”. Such a proclamation is enough to put off the unmarried.

I have overheard some people saying that marriage is the cure to their bad behaviour. Dear respected men, marriage is not a magical wand that turns you into a new person. You could be living a tranquil life before marriage, but end up living a hellish life after. Marriage does not make one a better person automatically; there is a lot to do and continue to do before, during and after marriage. High expectations that the other party can be your sole source of happiness can eventually lead to major heartache.

One of the problems we face today is the unreasonable demands made by some Emiratis. Some girls will frown upon a good man solely because of his family name. Finding Mr Right is not that difficult. Unfortunately, many people look for Mr Perfect.

From my observations, many Emirati men are more flexible and patient than women in their marital life. We fail to grasp that in this noble bond you can’t hate the person whom you love, nor do you have the authority to impose your personality on your soulmate. We might love our spouse, but dislike some of their actions simply because we have completely independent personalities. During hardship, couples need to adjust and come up with solutions together, rather than neglecting one another at difficult times when they need each other the most.

Growing up in a family environment filled with love, I do believe that marriage can make people live happily ever after if some conditions are met.

To me, marriage is a mutual effort between couples; it is about looking in the same direction. Since life is like a rollercoaster going up and down, so is marital life, with its own set of pluses and minuses.

Asmaa Al Hameli co-writes the My Year at The National blog

[ aalhameli@thenational.ae ]