A food crime, any way you say it - iSnack2.0!



It has not been a great year for Australian national pride. We lost the Ashes to England, our rugby team won just one game in the Tri-Nations series against New Zealand and South Africa, and Dannii Minogue is inexplicably still allowed to appear on television. Then, back in June, it was announced that a new form of Vegemite would hit the supermarkets. This abomination would involve mixing cream cheese with Australia's favourite dark, salty yeast extract.

More than 300,000 Australians were consulted over this crime against food and they were very excited about the addition, as it allegedly made Vegemite easier to spread without butter. Since then, Kraft Foods has claimed that 2.8 million jars of the cheesy conglomeration have been sold, proving yet again that nobody ever went broke by underestimating public taste. Then it was decreed that this new hybrid spread needed a new name. "Vegemite with unnecessary cheese", while accurate, is probably too wordy for a jar label. "Vegemeese" sounds like a little-known nationality and "Chegemite" sounds like a speech impediment. So, Kraft Foods turned to the general public for a witty new name.

Capital idea. Surely this clever plan would yield a name that would outwit the genius love child of Dorothy Parker and Oscar Wilde. Or possibly not. Out of 48,000 entries, the Kraft overlords declared "Vegemite iSnack2.0" the winner. Just when I thought my fellow Australians could not disappoint me further, a name that lacks any sort of imagination triumphs. I am sure the winner, a 27-year-old Western Australian web designer by the name of Dean Robbins, is a very nice bloke. He grins impishly from the Sydney Morning Herald website, proudly brandishing a jar of the newfangled gunk. His little tuft of soft rocker chin fuzz shows just what a funky guy he surely must be.

But I don't care for the lazy addition of an "i" to make something seem modern and groovy. Can Apple sue Kraft for hijacking the "i", I wonder, or is not possible to get copyright over a solitary letter of the alphabet? After all, Donald Trump can't get copyright on "You're fired" and Paris Hilton can't claim ownership on her vapid "That's hot". Whatever the case, iSnack2.0 is a ridiculously clunky name for this product. Do you pronounce it "I snack too" or "I snack two-point- zero" or "I snack two-point-oh"? No matter which way you say it, if you have to say it out loud to another human being, you're going to sound like a buffoon.

Then again, some of the other entries weren't much better. There was "Ruddymite", a tribute to current prime minister, Kevin Rudd, but it just sounds like someone's grandmother trying not to swear. Or there was the bizarre suggestion of "Wow Chow". Food with a rhyming name is not going to be classy. Turkey Jerky, for example, is not going to be the canape of choice at a royal wedding. Another aspiring Shakespeare used the broad Australian accent for inspiration and thus suggested "2ritemite", an eardrum-cracking corruption of "Too right, mate". That is the kind of embarrassing Aussie cliche seldom heard away from the set of Crocodile Dundee. And that film was released 23 years ago. What next? "G'Daymite"?

As I was writing this column, I was invited to join the Facebook group "Aussies against the name iSnack2.0!". I am very glad I am not alone in my bewilderment and horror over this culinary catastrophe. Excuse me while I click to accept. That seems to me to be a far more worthwhile use of Facebook than finding out that a friend's top five shoes are all Tod's loafers or that if someone you went to school with was an Egyptian pharaoh, he'd be Akhenaten.

And then another friend popped up in a Facebook chat window to inform me that Woolworths supermarkets in Australia now sell pre-made cheese and Vegemite toasted sandwiches that you simply bung in the microwave. I wonder if that particular abomination is being marketed as a "Lazymite Sandwich". Whatever the case, it all conspires to form a giant blot on Australia's frequently excellent culinary landscape. The only thing more alarming than a poorly named cheesy Vegemite concoction is a present my British boyfriend gave me. A jar of Marmite. Decorated like a cricket ball. To celebrate England winning the Ashes.

Emergency

Director: Kangana Ranaut

Stars: Kangana Ranaut, Anupam Kher, Shreyas Talpade, Milind Soman, Mahima Chaudhry 

Rating: 2/5

TOURNAMENT INFO

2018 ICC World Twenty20 Asian Western Regional Qualifier
The top three teams progress to the Asia Qualifier

Thursday results
UAE beat Kuwait by 86 runs
Qatar beat Bahrain by five wickets
Saudi Arabia beat Maldives by 35 runs

Friday fixtures
10am, third-place playoff – Saudi Arabia v Kuwait
3pm, final – UAE v Qatar

COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
 
Started: 2020
 
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
 
Based: Dubai, UAE
 
Sector: Entertainment 
 
Number of staff: 210 
 
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
UPI facts

More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions

Other workplace saving schemes
  • The UAE government announced a retirement savings plan for private and free zone sector employees in 2023.
  • Dubai’s savings retirement scheme for foreign employees working in the emirate’s government and public sector came into effect in 2022.
  • National Bonds unveiled a Golden Pension Scheme in 2022 to help private-sector foreign employees with their financial planning.
  • In April 2021, Hayah Insurance unveiled a workplace savings plan to help UAE employees save for their retirement.
  • Lunate, an Abu Dhabi-based investment manager, has launched a fund that will allow UAE private companies to offer employees investment returns on end-of-service benefits.
THE LIGHT

Director: Tom Tykwer

Starring: Tala Al Deen, Nicolette Krebitz, Lars Eidinger

Rating: 3/5

How to avoid crypto fraud
  • Use unique usernames and passwords while enabling multi-factor authentication.
  • Use an offline private key, a physical device that requires manual activation, whenever you access your wallet.
  • Avoid suspicious social media ads promoting fraudulent schemes.
  • Only invest in crypto projects that you fully understand.
  • Critically assess whether a project’s promises or returns seem too good to be true.
  • Only use reputable platforms that have a track record of strong regulatory compliance.
  • Store funds in hardware wallets as opposed to online exchanges.
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EAlmouneer%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202017%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dr%20Noha%20Khater%20and%20Rania%20Kadry%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EEgypt%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20staff%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E120%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EBootstrapped%2C%20with%20support%20from%20Insead%20and%20Egyptian%20government%2C%20seed%20round%20of%20%3Cbr%3E%243.6%20million%20led%20by%20Global%20Ventures%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
The Sand Castle

Director: Matty Brown

Stars: Nadine Labaki, Ziad Bakri, Zain Al Rafeea, Riman Al Rafeea

Rating: 2.5/5

If you go
Where to stay: Courtyard by Marriott Titusville Kennedy Space Centre has unparalleled views of the Indian River. Alligators can be spotted from hotel room balconies, as can several rocket launch sites. The hotel also boasts cool space-themed decor.

When to go: Florida is best experienced during the winter months, from November to May, before the humidity kicks in.

How to get there: Emirates currently flies from Dubai to Orlando five times a week.
'Shakuntala Devi'

Starring: Vidya Balan, Sanya Malhotra

Director: Anu Menon

Rating: Three out of five stars

COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Almnssa
Started: August 2020
Founder: Areej Selmi
Based: Gaza
Sectors: Internet, e-commerce
Investments: Grants/private funding
Formula Middle East Calendar (Formula Regional and Formula 4)
Round 1: January 17-19, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
 
Round 2: January 22-23, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
 
Round 3: February 7-9, Dubai Autodrome – Dubai
 
Round 4: February 14-16, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
 
Round 5: February 25-27, Jeddah Corniche Circuit – Saudi Arabia