"When my alarm went off, I realized that Def Leppard titled a song Arma-'geddon it' and none of us thought to imprison them for it." Yeah, yeah, Jimmy Kimmel. We know. Hilarious. March 31.
"I like to teach my kids that they can do anything. For example this year, our taxes." Got yourself some clever little slaves, haven't you, Conan O'Brien? March 31.
"I miss Pushing Daisies everyday" Kristin Chenoweth dredges up the painful past after hearing that the short-lived (and superb) surreal comedy she starred in has started trending on Twitter. April 3.
"Best bit from Charlie Sheen gig in Detroit: responded to one heckle by saying: 'I already got your money, dude.'" A fool and his money, eh, Omid Djalili? April 3.
"sick show in Berlin...brought @studiomama on stage 2 sing her happy bday but she lit her hair on fire with the candles. lol. i saved her". Uber lol, Justin Bieber, we also think it's funny when people get set on fire. Out of curiosity, what does the burning hair of a hysterical teenage girl smell like? April 3.
"Ageism? You tell me. Apparently, I was NOT cast as Will Smith's son in an upcoming film because I was too old." Grow up, Steve Martin. April 3.