Chuck Norris as Matt Hunter in 'Invasion USA'. Alamy
Chuck Norris as Matt Hunter in 'Invasion USA'. Alamy
Chuck Norris as Matt Hunter in 'Invasion USA'. Alamy
Chuck Norris as Matt Hunter in 'Invasion USA'. Alamy

Defending B-grade films: How Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal helped me get my first job


Saeed Saeed
  • English
  • Arabic

A favourite pastime of friends and family members when visiting my house is checking out my streaming recommendations – the feature in which platforms I subscribe to suggest films I might like based on my previous viewing habits.

So what do my platforms recommend for me – someone my loved ones think of as relatively well cultured? Does the acclaimed David Fincher film Mank make the cut? Or perhaps the lauded legal drama The Trial of the Chicago 7? Maybe even Bridgerton, for bit of fun?

"Death Wish?" my friend said, incredulously, as he flicked through other choices.

His laughs got harder as his attention turned from the recommended section to the "watch again" list. Both lists reveal a litany of titles which, at best, can only be described as of dubious quality.

I am talking about vintage action films starring Charles Bronson (the aforementioned Death Wish and Murphy's Law) and Van Damn (Kickboxer), as well cheesy comedies featuring Tom Selleck (Mr Baseball).

“This is not even B grade,” the friend said. “I learned to just call these ‘Saeed stuff.’

The ‘dodgy’ section

He is right.

My attachment to such films is more sentimental than escapism.

These forgotten action heroes, such as Chuck Norris, Dolph Lundgren and Don “The Dragon Lee” Wilson, even helped me score my first-ever job in a video store.

It was 1994 and I was living in a small suburb in Melbourne, Australia.

Newly arrived on the continent with a single mother, our family finances were understandably tight.

However, each week, my mum would manage to give me five dollars to rent my choice of film from the local Video Busters.

As a child with a short attention span, I needed something with as much content as possible to keep me occupied over the next seven days.

This meant forgoing the new releases ($6 overnight), mid-tier titles from the early nineties ($3 for three days) and heading right to the dusty shelves in the back of the store.

This was my playground: the $1-weekly videos were full of strange and colourful titles, only matched by their gaudy sleeves.

I still remember the cover for the1978 horror comedy film Piranha, in which a smiling woman floats blissfully in the sea while below, the menacing fish is poised to nip at her heels.

I can recall being spooked by the vicious hairy tarantula commanding the sleeve of Kingdom of the Spiders (1977), as well as the jovial group shots of Police Academy one to four (I couldn't yet afford the remaining fifth and sixth instalments).

With my long-term happiness at stake (a week feels eternal as a 13-year-old), I spent hours in what I later learned was dubbed the “dodgy section,” trying to make the perfect selection.

I picked that piece of knowledge up from staff members, eventually, when I landed a job at the store myself a few months later.

It was initially more community service than actual employment.

Let me explain: after weeks of hounding, my mum eventually relented and handed over six gleaming bucks so that I could rent my first ever new release.

I still remember that Saturday, swaggering into the video store and straight past Michael Dudikoff's American Ninja in the dodgy section and towards Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven.

That early teen arrogance, mixed with a goldfish attention span, resulted in me forgetting to return the video before a rare family getaway to the coast.

We returned home to an answering machine full of increasingly angry missives from the video store manager, Paul, and an eventual $84 fine.

With my mother refusing to pay the fee, she negotiated that I could work it off by washing the near 2,000 videos in the store every weekend for a month.

So there I was, back in the dodgy section again, humbled and wiping the flecks of dust from Chuck Norris's beard while he brandished two machine guns on the cover of Invasion USA.

Owning your stuff

As it turned out, I did my job a little too well.

From cleaning the videos each week, I managed to retain a good memory of the store’s layout and I relished in finding customers' queried titles within seconds.

The more obscure the video, the more I enjoyed the challenge.

"The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension? Well, right this way sir".

"Marked for Death with Steven Seagal? No problem, my friend. And while you like your action, have you seen Missing in Action III with Chuck Norris yet?"

Impressed at my enthusiasm, and perhaps even relieved that he had found someone knowledgeable enough to promote titles from the dodgy section, Paul gave me my first job as a clerk.

It was a position I held for six years and is partly responsible for my interest in pop culture, and in turn, entertainment journalism.

I occasionally relive those cherished and simpler times when I stream the nail-faced character Pinhead frightening couples in Hell Raiser (1987), or when Seagal threatens his nemesis in 1990's Hard to Kill by stating: "I am going to take you to the bank Senator Trent.... The blood bank".

This is, indeed, “Saeed stuff” and it's bad-tastic.

Jetour T1 specs

Engine: 2-litre turbocharged

Power: 254hp

Torque: 390Nm

Price: From Dh126,000

Available: Now

Emergency

Director: Kangana Ranaut

Stars: Kangana Ranaut, Anupam Kher, Shreyas Talpade, Milind Soman, Mahima Chaudhry 

Rating: 2/5

Indoor cricket World Cup:
Insportz, Dubai, September 16-23

UAE fixtures:
Men

Saturday, September 16 – 1.45pm, v New Zealand
Sunday, September 17 – 10.30am, v Australia; 3.45pm, v South Africa
Monday, September 18 – 2pm, v England; 7.15pm, v India
Tuesday, September 19 – 12.15pm, v Singapore; 5.30pm, v Sri Lanka
Thursday, September 21 – 2pm v Malaysia
Friday, September 22 – 3.30pm, semi-final
Saturday, September 23 – 3pm, grand final

Women
Saturday, September 16 – 5.15pm, v Australia
Sunday, September 17 – 2pm, v South Africa; 7.15pm, v New Zealand
Monday, September 18 – 5.30pm, v England
Tuesday, September 19 – 10.30am, v New Zealand; 3.45pm, v South Africa
Thursday, September 21 – 12.15pm, v Australia
Friday, September 22 – 1.30pm, semi-final
Saturday, September 23 – 1pm, grand final

How to avoid crypto fraud
  • Use unique usernames and passwords while enabling multi-factor authentication.
  • Use an offline private key, a physical device that requires manual activation, whenever you access your wallet.
  • Avoid suspicious social media ads promoting fraudulent schemes.
  • Only invest in crypto projects that you fully understand.
  • Critically assess whether a project’s promises or returns seem too good to be true.
  • Only use reputable platforms that have a track record of strong regulatory compliance.
  • Store funds in hardware wallets as opposed to online exchanges.
MOUNTAINHEAD REVIEW

Starring: Ramy Youssef, Steve Carell, Jason Schwartzman

Director: Jesse Armstrong

Rating: 3.5/5

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Name: Xpanceo

Started: 2018

Founders: Roman Axelrod, Valentyn Volkov

Based: Dubai, UAE

Industry: Smart contact lenses, augmented/virtual reality

Funding: $40 million

Investor: Opportunity Venture (Asia)

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Volvo ES90 Specs

Engine: Electric single motor (96kW), twin motor (106kW) and twin motor performance (106kW)

Power: 333hp, 449hp, 680hp

Torque: 480Nm, 670Nm, 870Nm

On sale: Later in 2025 or early 2026, depending on region

Price: Exact regional pricing TBA

The specs

Engine: four-litre V6 and 3.5-litre V6 twin-turbo

Transmission: six-speed and 10-speed

Power: 271 and 409 horsepower

Torque: 385 and 650Nm

Price: from Dh229,900 to Dh355,000

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The specs

Engine: 2.0-litre 4-cylturbo

Transmission: seven-speed DSG automatic

Power: 242bhp

Torque: 370Nm

Price: Dh136,814

All you need to know about Formula E in Saudi Arabia

What The Saudia Ad Diriyah E-Prix

When Saturday

Where Diriyah in Saudi Arabia

What time Qualifying takes place from 11.50am UAE time through until the Super Pole session, which is due to end at 12.55pm. The race, which will last for 45 minutes, starts at 4.05pm.

Who is competing There are 22 drivers, from 11 teams, on the grid, with each vehicle run solely on electronic power.

Real estate tokenisation project

Dubai launched the pilot phase of its real estate tokenisation project last month.

The initiative focuses on converting real estate assets into digital tokens recorded on blockchain technology and helps in streamlining the process of buying, selling and investing, the Dubai Land Department said.

Dubai’s real estate tokenisation market is projected to reach Dh60 billion ($16.33 billion) by 2033, representing 7 per cent of the emirate’s total property transactions, according to the DLD.

The National's picks

4.35pm: Tilal Al Khalediah
5.10pm: Continous
5.45pm: Raging Torrent
6.20pm: West Acre
7pm: Flood Zone
7.40pm: Straight No Chaser
8.15pm: Romantic Warrior
8.50pm: Calandogan
9.30pm: Forever Young

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Engine: Dual-motor all-wheel-drive electric

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Torque: 985Nm

Price: From Dh439,000

Available: Now

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1987

1954

1921

1888

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Heavily-sugared soft drinks slip through the tax net

Some popular drinks with high levels of sugar and caffeine have slipped through the fizz drink tax loophole, as they are not carbonated or classed as an energy drink.

Arizona Iced Tea with lemon is one of those beverages, with one 240 millilitre serving offering up 23 grams of sugar - about six teaspoons.

A 680ml can of Arizona Iced Tea costs just Dh6.

Most sports drinks sold in supermarkets were found to contain, on average, five teaspoons of sugar in a 500ml bottle.

The story in numbers

18

This is how many recognised sects Lebanon is home to, along with about four million citizens

450,000

More than this many Palestinian refugees are registered with UNRWA in Lebanon, with about 45 per cent of them living in the country’s 12 refugee camps

1.5 million

There are just under 1 million Syrian refugees registered with the UN, although the government puts the figure upwards of 1.5m

73

The percentage of stateless people in Lebanon, who are not of Palestinian origin, born to a Lebanese mother, according to a 2012-2013 study by human rights organisation Frontiers Ruwad Association

18,000

The number of marriages recorded between Lebanese women and foreigners between the years 1995 and 2008, according to a 2009 study backed by the UN Development Programme

77,400

The number of people believed to be affected by the current nationality law, according to the 2009 UN study

4,926

This is how many Lebanese-Palestinian households there were in Lebanon in 2016, according to a census by the Lebanese-Palestinian dialogue committee

The specs
 
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
City's slump

L - Juventus, 2-0
D - C Palace, 2-2
W - N Forest, 3-0
L - Liverpool, 2-0
D - Feyenoord, 3-3
L - Tottenham, 4-0
L - Brighton, 2-1
L - Sporting, 4-1
L - Bournemouth, 2-1
L - Tottenham, 2-1

The burning issue

The internal combustion engine is facing a watershed moment – major manufacturer Volvo is to stop producing petroleum-powered vehicles by 2021 and countries in Europe, including the UK, have vowed to ban their sale before 2040. The National takes a look at the story of one of the most successful technologies of the last 100 years and how it has impacted life in the UAE.

Read part three: the age of the electric vehicle begins

Read part two: how climate change drove the race for an alternative 

Read part one: how cars came to the UAE

TALE OF THE TAPE

Manny Pacquiao
Record: 59-6-2 (38 KOs)
Age: 38
Weight: 146lbs
Height: 166cm
Reach: 170cm

Jeff Horn
Record: 16-0-1 (11 KOs)
Age: 29
Weight: 146.2lbs
Height: 175cm
Reach: 173cm

Tips to keep your car cool
  • Place a sun reflector in your windshield when not driving
  • Park in shaded or covered areas
  • Add tint to windows
  • Wrap your car to change the exterior colour
  • Pick light interiors - choose colours such as beige and cream for seats and dashboard furniture
  • Avoid leather interiors as these absorb more heat
SRI LANKS ODI SQUAD

Perera (capt), Mendis, Gunathilaka, de Silva, Nissanka, Shanaka, Bandara, Hasaranga, Udana, Dananjaya, Dickwella, Chameera, Mendis, Fernando, Sandakan, Karunaratne, Fernando, Fernando.

The five pillars of Islam

1. Fasting

2. Prayer

3. Hajj

4. Shahada

5. Zakat 

UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets