Feedback is never easy to hear, no matter how thick-skinned you are, or think you are. There is always a sting when someone points out a flaw, even worse a flaw that is without basis in your perceived reality.
I personally experienced this the other day. I opened an email, not the best way to receive feedback, fully anticipating reading positive news. But the words that followed were a shock to me. Ouch.
Instantly I wanted to defend myself, point out the flaws in their supposition, and even shift the blame. Isn’t it a typical reaction to try to reposition an argument to save face? Well, as I was planning my response, I was reminded of some advice I had given a leadership team just a few days earlier.
When asked in a workshop: “When someone points out a flaw in our work or identifies an area we should be better at, shouldn’t we give our side of the story?” I replied: “You should listen to see if there is any truth in what they say.”
This response ignited a firestorm in the room, with their argument that whenever someone delivers negative feedback, you should have the right to share your point of view. This approach is problematic because when you are thinking about your defence, you are not listening to see if there is any value in what they are pointing out. And almost always there is some truth.
In my twenties, a great leader gave me this advice: “Whenever someone criticises you, no matter what their motive is – shut up, listen and say thank you for giving me this feedback.” This advice may be spot on but it is easier said than done.
What he highlighted was the importance of receiving what others say, then to consider if any of it is true and if so act on it; if not, ignore it. Too often it is too easy to sacrifice opportunities to grow by trying to justify, defend or shift the blame. Why should you ever allow that type of reaction to stand in the way of getting better?
Ideally, feedback is a process in which information about the past or the present influences the same phenomenon in the present or future. But many times it feels more like someone is just registering a complaint.
Feedback can become even more difficult to stomach because it comes at you from all directions – from bosses, peers, friends, relatives, society, those who are pessimists, fearful and even guilty of projecting their own behavioural flaws on to you. Yet, no matter how or why it comes, if you allow it, feedback is a mirror for your personal growth.
Anyhow, you need to focus on how you receive it if you want it to influence the future. Let’s go back to that advice and ask: “Is there any truth in what is being said?” By asking this, we are not robbing ourselves of the opportunity to grow, just because we want to defend our position. While being defensive may feel protective, it is actually a vulnerability and reveals how closed you are to others’ feedback.
It took me a bit of time, a couple of hours of thinking about how I was going to respond before I realised I should look for the truth in what was said. And guess what, in the midst of the sting was a kernel of truth that I needed to hold on to.
I thought I was thick-skinned and pulled out my leadership personality profile so I could share with you that I am able to accept criticism. But I was wrong; actually I am sensitive to criticism – more so than 84 per cent of other leaders.
It is easy to have a skewed self-perception; highlighting the need to be receptive to feedback. It doesn’t really matter how you see yourself, others’ perspectives complete the picture.
This supports the point: listen to what others have to say.
Tommy Weir is a leadership adviser and author of 10 Tips for Leading in the Middle East and other leadership writings. Follow him on Twitter: @tommyweir
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