The 84th Academy Awards: Live Blog!

Finally, the night is upon us. Who will win, what will they wear winning it and just how much of an idiot will they make of themselves? Because you're all far too busy sleeping, I'll be here - with an assortment of sugary drinks, hot drinks and snacks - documenting the proceedings (on telly), from the red carpet arrivals, to those little awards nobody really cares about, right through to the biggies at the end as the sun begins to rise. And afterwards, I politely ask that that you never, ever speak of The Artist, The Help or The Descendants in front of me again. And please don't call me until Tuesday.

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The cast of The Artist celebrate their multiple Oscars in the press room.

8.43am But it wouldn't feel quite right without one final advert about toothpaste presented by my ol' pal the dentist.

8.38am AND THAT'S YOUR LOT. It's done, it's over. Let there be no more talk about film awards for at least a month. Everyone, by and large, went home with what they were expected to get. "So who gives the award for the biggest Oscar after-party?" asks the TV narrator. "I don't care, I'm going to bed," says I. Good night!

8.36am The whole Artist gang come on stage, including Uggie (being looked after by Dujardin). "It's six in the morning in Paris, so I say to my kids you should go to bed," says director Michel. No surprises there, but it's all very nice anyway.

8.33am Tom Cruise comes on to Mission: Impossible music (er, go Dubai?) to present Best Picture. AND THE FINAL WINNER OF THE NIGHT SO WE CAN ALL GO TO BED (unless you've just got up) IS....... THE ARTIST!

8.30am Standing ovation for Streep. "Come on! I had the feeling when my name was called I could hear half of America going, 'Her, again. But, whatever." She thanks husband and make-up artist Roy Helland. "Thank you friends, departed and here for this inexplicably wonderful career." Great acceptance speech from Meryl.

8.28am And the winner is...... MERYL STREEP! BIT OF A SHOCK THERE!

8.24am The bastion of Britishness, COLIN FIRTH steps up to shower praise on each of the BEST ACTRESS nominees before ultimately disappointing four of them. Everybody must know that he didn't write these, don't they? Has he memorised it, or is there a teleprompt. "Meryl, Mama Mia. We were in Greece. We were happy. I probably fathered your daughter." Nice work.

8.17am And the winner is.... JEAN DUJARDIN for THE ARTIST. "I love your country," he says. "Thank you Michel for this incredible gift," he says to his director, probably also unable to pronounce his surname name properly. "Merci beaucoup, I love you!" He seems absolutely delighted.

8.16am Oh yeah, Portman was with Gary Oldman in Leon. Forgot. Oldman should win for Tinker, Tailor. He won't, but he should.

8.12am Up comes NATALIE PORTMAN in a big red dress to present BEST ACTOR, singling out each actor for individual praise, like a big flirt. 

8.07am It's only the big beasts left - Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Picture, and then we can forget it all for another, ooh, two months. And I can sleep.

8.02am Oh no, it's that bit where we look at the filmmaking folk who have passed away over the past year, something even Crystal can't find the funny in. Whitney is in there for the black and white pastiche, complete with a sombre rendition of What A Wonderful World sung over the top.

8.01am It'll all be over soon.

7.55am MERYL STREEP steps up, introduced as someone who has been nominated 17 times and won only twice. She's doing the honorary thing, for James Earl Jones, Oprah Winfrey and Dick Smith (was it Dick Smith? I am VERY tired now)... yes, it was Dick Smith. And up they come...

7.50am MICHAEL DOUGLAS steps up with a confident swagger. He's got good stage presence, not at all wooden. BEST DIRECTOR... It's going to be Scorsese, isn't it? And it's THE ARTIST! Michel Hanazavicius! He thanks everyone, including Uggie the dog. But did he thank his wife?? Did he? I didn't hear it...

7.48am Right, it's the home stretch now. There's only a few left to go. You can do it. I can do it. We can both do it together. That is, assuming there's anybody left out there reading this. We've had shout outs from the UK, Doha and Bogota of all places. Anyone still there?

7.44am BEST ANIMATED SHORT is... FANTASTIC FLYING BOOKS OF MR MORRIS LESSMORE, "We're just these two swamp rats from Louisiana," one of the duo on stage says. They do look a bit odd, truth be told.

7.41am BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT... goes to SAVING FACE, about Pakistani acid attacks on women. Morgan Freeman not clapping! Why? He looked a bit tired... and old...

7.38am The whole Bridesmaids posse come on to present BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT, which goes to.... THE SHORE. Father and daughter team step up. Teary mum in crowd. All quite sweet.

7.37am MILLA JOVOVICH talks about those who have helped develop filmmaking technology. All seems quite dreary, until there's a shot of Tom Cruise climbing the Burj in Mission: Impossible. GO DUBAI!

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7.32am Great montage of clips of film folk talking about what makes a great film. Werner Herzog has his usual brilliance, but then up pops Sacha Baron Cohen, speaking in his own voice, which few people have ever heard before. "I just want to watch something that I want to watch, and I generally want to watch really sick stuff," he says, just a few hours after his latest character spilled the ashes of Kim Jong Il all over Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet...

7.28am BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY. Can A Separation do it again? Unlikely. No, it goes to WOODY ALLEN for MIDNIGHT IN PARIS, which was really rather mediocre...

7.24am Crystal gets his words jumbled but pulls it out the back, brings on ANGELINA JOLIE, adopting a rather revealing pose (bare leg sticking out of black dress), to present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY. I'm going to root for Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy here, just because it was amazing, but it goes to ALEXANDER PAYNE and some others for THE DESCENDANTS. The two who aren't Payne are doing some funny pose thing. Payne brought The Descendants to the Dubai Film Festival in December. Go Dubai! I wasn't really bothered by it, but what do I know?

7.20am Girls in short skirts hand out snacks. Odd. It does make me feel a bit hungry, though. Hang on, got some crisps somewhere...

7.17am WILL FERRELL and ZACK GAFCAININCSKAKOS (I can't spell it and am very tired) turn up in white suits with cymbals to present BEST ORIGINAL SONG. It goes to - after cymbal dropping - BRET MCKENZIE!!! FOR MAN OR MUPPET! For THE MUPPETS. Great choice. Great guy. "Just like a lot of the actors here, Kermit is actually a lot shorter in real life." Sadly, he doesn't sing any Flight of the Conchord numbers...

7.12am Gigantic scoresheet appears on the stage. "This is why there's a buffet," says Crystal. PENELOPE CRUZ and OWEN WILSON come on to present BEST ORIGINAL SCORE. And it goes to...... I don't know! The sound went off. It's a guy. He's got hair. It's... Ludovic Bource for THE ARTIST! Oh no, he's thanking too many people, the musicians in the room, then he pulls out a piece of paper, drops it, thanks more people. "I've got so much love to give to you," he says, then gives a shout out to his wife, one of the beneficiaries of this love.

7.10am Megadull thank you by the head of the Academy. "Thank you for whipping crowd into a frenzy," says Crystal, rather beautifully. "Mr Excitement."

7.08am Crystal points to camera to the celebs and mocks them! Poor Nick Nolte gets a bit of a battering. And there's Uggie! With a bow tie!

7.07am So, any surprises so far? Not really. But then, I'm so tired that I'm not sure anything could surprise me anymore...

7.05am THE TOOTHPASTE ADVERT HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE 2AM. I ESTIMATE I HAVE WATCHED IT OVER 100 TIMES NOW.

6.58am MELISSA LEO (winner Best Supporting Actress last year for The Fighter) presenting BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. All roads point to Christopher Plummer here for Beginners, but it goes to..... CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER for BEGINNERS! A standing ovation for the oldest actor to ever win an Oscar. He's 82! "You're only two years older than me, where have you been all my life," he says to his statue. He was in The Sound of Music, did you know that? I didn't...

6.53am EMMA STONE and BEN STILLER presenting BEST VISUAL EFFECTS. Stiller is TINY! Really TINY! I never knew he was so small! Stone is literally towering over him. She's also doing this excitable 'my first time presenting' routine that is getting a bit annoying. It goes to HUGO! Again! Hugo is dominating. Guessing there'll be some more love for Marty coming very soon. Yup.

6.52am Bridesmaids-friendly sketch between Billy Crystal and Melissa McCarthy. She does the foot thing like in the film.

6.50am I'm halfway through the ad break and have missed the opportunity to put the kettle on. Thankfully there doesn't seem to be any sign of my old friend the toothpaste-flogging dentist. Perhaps even he was too tired. OH NO, my mistake. There he is.

6.45am CHRIS ROCK doing the funny about animation. "I love animation because if you're a black man you can be a donkey or a zebra." BEST ANIMATED FEATURE - RANGO! Good choice, was a great film. Gore Verbinski says it was "created by a bunch of grown-ups behaving like children". I want that job.

6.41am Wooden double act routine with presenters GWYNETH PALTROW and ROBERT DOWNEY JR (who is pretending that he's making a film called The Presenter, it's all very weird). He seems quite short. Or is Gwyneth just tall? BEST DOCUMENTARY - UNDEFEATED. It's about American football, so I haven't seen it. They seem quite pleased, bless them.

6.39am "Christopher Plummer is 82, and might be walking on stage tonight," says Crystal. "Perhaps because he wanders off."

6.34am BRILLIANT. It's Kermit and Miss Piggy! "I remember being a young frog at the drive-in," says Kermit. The furry twosome introduce Cirque Du Soleil, who do an interpretation of what it's like to go to the movies, if what you do when you go to the movies is do lots of fancy acrobatics. Lots of amazing jumping and flipping and catching and balancing, but not exactly sure where - beyond the cinema seats they're doing tricks on - where the movie link comes in. Ignore me, I'm tired and crotchety, it's great. Blimey, big ol' acrobatic flips across the audience.

6.32am The sun is coming up.

6.27am SOUND MIXING. HUGO! Four for Hugo! There's a big American guy crying on stage. The small English guy gets through it with precision and without emotion. A lot of love going towards Martin Scorsese, who is sitting with his big glasses and big grin...

6.25am SOUND EDITING. HUGO! That's three for Hugo!

6.22am TINA FEY and BRADLEY 'MOUSTACHE' COOPER present BEST EDITING. Winner is... GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall - won last year for The Social Network. Short but sweet acceptance speech, they seemed a bit unprepared.

6.19am Interesting 'comedy' sketch supposed to be off a screening test group for The Wizard of Oz. I recognise some of the faces of the actors, but can't remember where from. There's a guy going on about flying monkeys. It doesn't really work. At all. Few laughs from the audience. I think they just feel compelled to laugh, because they're at the Oscars and the cameras are out...

6.17am Extremely tired now. Eyes hurt. Need tea, but it's over there [looks to other side of room]

6.12am CHRISTIAN BALE presenting BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE. Bale has a very Bwitish accent, but last week in Berlin was talking with a decidedly American twang. And it's OCTAVIA SPENCER for THE HELP. Her first academy award. And another point for the UAE (The Help was co-produced by Image Nation Abu Dhabi). She's crying! She manages to thank everyone, before breaking down in tears again.

6.05am SANDRA BULLOCK presenting BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE. She wants to speak in Chinese, but actually does it - really well - in German. Kind of funny. Anyway, come on A Separation! And the winner is... A SEPARATION!!!!!! YAY! Up steps Asghar Farhadi! "I proudly offer this honour to the people of my country." A Separation was screened at the Abu Dhabi Film Festival, so that's definitely a point for the UAE.

6.01am Strange montage of interviews with actors talking about watching their first movies. Adam Sandler could have changed out of his tracksuit into something smarter...

5.56am BEST MAKEUP goes to Mark Coulier and J Roy Helland, THE IRON LADY. Thanks for making Meryl Streep looking so terrifyingly like Margaret Thatcher, really, thanks.

"Thanks Meryl for keeping me employed for the past 30 years," says J Roy.

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5.53am CAMERON DIAZ and JENNIFER LOPEZ (both in slinky white satiny flowing outfits), present BEST COSTUME DESIGN. And the Oscar goes to...... Mark Richards, THE ARTIST. That's the first gong for The Artist. How many more will it get? "I was just a kid from Niagara Falls," says Mark. People live there?

5.51am A few cheap digs at Kodak's bankruptcy. "Welcome back to the 'your name here' theatre," offers Crystal, before introducing a montage of film classics so we can all marvel at the lifebringing wonder of cinema. Strangely, The Hangover finds a way in there.

5.49am Really getting quite tired now.

5.45am BEST ART DIRECTION goes to HUGO. Third award for husband and wife team Dante Ferretti & Francesca Somethingorother. "This is for Italy," says Francesca. Go Italy!

5.43am FIRST BLOOD - BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY goes to.... HUGO, Robert Richardson. The third award for Rob (he also did JFK and The Aviator). Robert has LONG white hair, a bit like Gandalf's smarter brother. He seems quite chilled.

5.42am TOM HANKS presenting the first award. He introduces professional seatfiller Carl Swaybo, who has been seatfilling for 59 years! He's currently filling the seat for Jennifer Lopez, who is backstage. Just to remain inconspicuous, he's wearing a light blue suit.

5.41am This song is really going on for some time...

5.39am Hmmmm. Crystal's doing a little musical singalong medley where he gives shout outs to the various films and personalities in the room. Slightly awkward moment when he was singing at Martin Scorsese. George Clooney looked somewhat confused regarding his passage...

5.37am "Nothing can take the sting out of the word's global problems than billionaires presenting each other with awards."

5.36am "This is my ninth time hosting the Oscars, so just call me War Horse."

5.33am And now for that classic intro - a sequence of clips from the main films at this year's awards, but with BILLY CRYSTAL in them discussing the fact that he's presenting. Even Justin Bieber's in there, giving him the "18 to 24 demographic". There he is in The Artist, Midnight in Paris, The Help, The Descendants, Moneyball, Hugo, Bridesmaids. Oh dear, he's just eaten Viola Davis pie.. Hey - even Mission Impossible gets a mention - with Tom Cruise crashing through the Burj! And then Billy jumps out of the Burj! GO DUBAI!

5.30 LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.... MORGAN FREEMAN! Eh? Where's Crystal? Oh, he's giving a big pat on the back to the wonder of cinema.

5.28am Ok, so it's goodbye from the insanely cheery presenters and time for the show. That's the 'what are you wearing' and 'tell us your secret' madness over with. Now onto the 'I just want to thank......' lunacy. Fingers crossed Billy Crystal can up the funny from last year.

5.22am Man, Tom Hanks is a confident chap. Off he goes, giving the cameras a guided tour of the behind the scenes action of the theatre for presenters and winners like he's showing someone around his house. Remember him dancing on a giant piano?

5.20am We're in the room! Progress is being made! And we're with Natalie Portman, winner last year and presenter this time around. "I was just so nervous, I just kind of zoned out," she said of winning in 2011. 

5.14am Hurrah! There's a timer in the corner of the screen now that says there's only 16 minutes till the awards kick off. Which means there's only about three more hours to go before I can sleep! Right, another cup of tea. And perhaps some Haribo. And another toothpaste advert.

5.11am "All you do is follow the screaming cheers," says George Clooney about how he finds Brad Pitt. There's quite a lot of screaming cheers so he might have difficulty. No, there he is! With long hair! And a suit! But no Angelina as yet. He's looking around. Perhaps he's lost her. Yes, he's definitely lost her. Anyone seen Ange?

5.07am Commercial break. It's my old friend the dentist. I wonder what he's advertising. Yes, it's toothpaste. Fancy that.

5.05am Gwyneth Paltrow only tried on one outfit. Thankfully, it was a Tom Ford. For obvious reasons, Gwyneth is the only one who can understand the British presenter, who is probably now only going to search out Brits or those married to Brits...

5.03am Three cheers for facial hair. Bradley Cooper is sporting a moustache! Go Team Tache!

5.01am AAAAARGH, now it's Cameron Diaz. PLEASE STOP ASKING THEM WHAT THEIR SECRET IS! It's the same presenter every time. Is his job to simply find out secrets? Stop it! Ask them better questions. What's your favourite cheese? Have you ever held hands with a monkey? Come on.

4.55am Penelope Cruz, in a big purply dress, is now also expected to reveal her "secret". Seriously guys, you ask this question every single year. They're not going to tell you.

4.53am Nick Nolte is having trouble understanding what the British presenter is saying. She's very British, but it's hardly another language...

4.51am "The spectacular Jennifer Lopez" explains her "secret". Apparently, she bathes every night in crocodile blood and only wears outfits hand-stitched by her personal team of dwarves! No, not really. "I always like fashion. I've been exposed to so many beautiful things," she reveals.  

4.45am "I shaved off my moustach," says Jean Dujardin to a question about what he did immediately after shooting The Artist. There seems to be a distinct lack of moustaches present at this year's awards...

4.43am Colin Firth tells toothy tootherson that he quite enjoyed playing a baddie in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. "Sometimes it's nice to go to the dark side, to play havoc." Can anyone imagine Firth playing havoc anyway? Really?

4.38am SACHA BARON COHEN HAS UNLEASHED THE MADNESS ON HOLLYWOOD. Clad in full white military uniform as his character from The Dictator, General Alladeen, and flanked by two women in military skirts, he told Ryan Seacrest that he was wearing John Galliano. "But the socks are from KMart. Saddam Hussein once said to me, 'Socks are socks. Don't waste money'." Carrying an urn, he then announced that it was off his "dear friend" Kim Jong Il, and then spilled the ashes all over Seacrest's suit. "It's OK. Now if somebody asks you who you are wearing, you can say Kim Jung Il!" TAKE THAT STUFFY AWARDS!

4.34am Now it's time for a Montage of Mums (A Mumtage?) talking about their famous sons and daughters in the film industry. Melissa McCarthy (the farty one from Bridesmaids) will "work anyone into the floor".

4.30am Christopher Plummer was in The Sound of Music???? Really? How old is he?? 82, according to the internet...

4.23am RED CARPET STANDOUTS. Here we go: Rooney Mara - "Audrey Hepburn gone punk". Octavia Spencer - "the draping is so strategic to enhance those curves". Jessica Chastain - "she looks like a pre-Raphaelite painting". Toothpaste-man (on again) - "He really works that dentist's outfit". Ok, so I added one of those myself...

4.20am Prince Albert of Monaco talks about his mum, Grace Kelly, who won an Oscar a few years back. Always thought that was a weird one.

4.15am Milla Jovovich, fresh from being knocked off the top trending spot by George Clooney, says it's her first ever Oscars. Seriously? "You couldn't have looked more stunning," says one of the new batch of presenters (this one looking like he's been presenting since the early 1920s) Umm, how about Milla Jovovich with crazy ginger hair and in a futuristic white catsuit? Ok, so I'm a Fifth Element fan...

4.08am FIRST SIGHTING OF SACHA BARON COHEN AND HE'S COME AS THE DICTATOR! He's even brought along a couple of girls in army fatigues. Bravo for pulling off this publicity stunt for his next film and adding a little bit of comedy to the proceedings. Just how crazy will his red carpet walk be? Will it be as crazy as this dentist who is advertising toothpaste for about the 40th time so far tonight?

Here's The Dictator's pre-Oscars build up, when he was banned for coming in character...

4.05am Johan Hill, looking like he's got a giant iron rod stuck up his back, has brought his mum. He's being interviewed by the British girl. "If I'm rooting for one person, it's him," Jonah says of Brad Pitt.

4.05am Octavia Spencer seems nice. Gives a big shout out to her friends at home.

4.03am We've had a sudden switcharound of presenters and daring camera angles. And they've got a whole lot more excitable. One presenter is even English. Madness.

3.55am The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo has been spotted, thankfully without any dragon tattoos on show. Instead, she's got a long flowing cream dress. I was in Berlin last week and it seemed half the girls there looked like they were auditioning for Lisbeth Salander. "She's young, she's fresh, she's still figuring out her style," says fashion critic Roshumba, who herself is clad in an excessively yellow strappy affair.

3.49am FASHION UPDATE. Let's talk about Michelle Williams, in a flowing red dress. "It's hard to wear red on the red carpet," we're told. But she's managed it, and she doesn't look like it's too difficult. Way to go Michelle. She's also brought her friend, who seems to have much more to say than Michelle. Aaargh, her friend - apparently called Busy Philipps - has even interrupted her!

3.46am Please FOX MOVIES please, can you please please remove the toothpaste ad from your cycle. I promise that the first thing I'll do once this whole nonsense is over will be to buy 20 tubes...

3.42am Up steps Best Actress nominee Viola Davis to the microphones. "I've been on this Earth for so many years I've got a lot to say." A good bet for longest acceptance speech, perhaps?

3.37 Welcome THE CLOONEY, with Stacy Keibler. "You have to clap or you look like a jerk," he says, should he not win Best Actor, which he shouldn't. "I have a feeling that at the end of the Best Actor race, you're going to hear someone speaking French." WHO DOES HE MEAN?

3.34 MILLA JOVAVICH is holding on to the top trending spot, exclaims our terrifying twosome!

3.32 And here's the OAP dresser herself, Shailene Woodley. "My life hasn't changed at all," she says. At the Independent Spirits awards the other day, she took her shoes off. This time, they're on. Exciting times people!

3.30 One of the The Help's two supporting actress nominees, Jessica Chastain, has brought her grandma. Awwwww.

3.26 FIRST FASHION FAIL. The critics don't seem to like Shailene Woodley's long cream classic number. "It's too old for her," they suggest. She is 20, so perhaps jeans and a Miley Cyrus T-shirt would have been more suitable...

3.25 One of the presenters seems to have won some sort of competition to be there and is "tremendously excited" about the whole thing. "This is the best evening of my whole 22 years!"

3.21am Best Supporting Actor nominee Christopher Plummer says he has "a very large mantel", so can definitely find space for another award, or perhaps a few fancy clocks. He seems to be wearing a smoking jacket.

3.18am Melissa McCarthy, nominee for Best Supporting Actress for Bridesmaids, has a rather croaky voice. She says the whole thing is a "bizarre" experience, as is her weird bulging dress. "She has embraced her curves," say the presenters, somewhat diplomatically.

3.12am The Artist director Michel Hanazavicius (yes, that was cut and pasted) says how wonderful it all is, particularly because his wife Berenice Bejo is also nominated. And there she is, looking lovely in a nice lime green dress. And speaking of green outfits, there's the toothpaste-endorsing dentist again as we've gone to an ad break.

3.08am Brett Mackenzie (one half of Flight of the Conchords) is pulling faces. He's nominated for Best Song for Man or Muppet from The Muppets, which is great, but not nearly as great as Business Time. Or I'm Not Crying.

3.03am. Milla Jovovich has incredibly knocked Billy Crystal from the top trending spot. Why? Please tell me it's the start of a Fifth Element revival. Ah, here we go. She's on the red carpet in a nice dress. It's white. It's off the shoulder. "Old school meets new school," explains Roshumba Williams. Exactly what I would have said.

3.00am Coffee didn't do the trick, I'm onto tea. We're just TWO HOURS away from the start of the awards, they explain. Oh dear. Oh, it's watsisface - the new Spock from Star Trek, Zachary Quinto, wearing some frightening media specs. They're trying to get him to talk about the new Star Trek currently in production, but he won't. Spoilsport.

2.49am Billy Crystal STILL the most tweeted explain the two terrifying presenters. George Clooney in at number two. Jean Dujardin, number three. Clearly there's nobody important on the red carpet...

2.47am Seriously, the Arabic toothpaste advert hits double figures. I have no idea what it's saying, but there's a very serious looking man in a green dentist's tunic who is so far dominating Oscars coverage.

2.44am I have no idea who this woman being interviewed on the red carpet is. Oh, it's Penelope Ann Miller from, hang on, er, The Artist. Thank you, Wikipedia.

2.37am It seems Michelle Tuzee and Roshumba Williams have the delightful job of 'critiquing' the fashion. Viola Davis wore simple dresses, apparently, in her role in The Help, but wears fancy frocks to the awards shows. She's just so unpredictable! Oh, here's a top 10 of actresses in nice dresses at the Oscars. Who will win? It's...... HALLE BERRY! In an Elie Saab dress. High fives no doubt going on in Lebanon right now..

2.34am Lawrence Zarian and Tina Malave win the 'most terrifying presenters' award, both sporting MASSIVE grins, a whole lot of fake tan and gigantic headphones. They're entire job seems to be tracking 'trends' on Twitter. Apparently Billy Crystal is top.

2.31am "You have the best seat in the house," says George to the TV audience. Hmm, not too sure about this green Ikea sofa, but whatever. The Best Actress nominees are getting a little montage now. Will Viola Davis get it? Everybody seems to think so. 47 per cent, say the presenters.

2.26am Right, there is an advert for a toothpaste (well, I think it's a toothpaste) that has been on six times in under half an hour. Did they think we'd all be jealous of those pearly white Hollywood grins and immediately head out to the pharmacist/dentist?

2.24am The adverts appear to be the same ones each time, which should make for a whole lot of crazy come 7am and I've seen them 40 odd times. Back to the red carpet. Presenter George Pennachhio is jolly pleased about his position - the 'first live red carpet interview' position, apparently. Let's hope he's got something up his sleeve better than 'So when did you first want to be a movie star?'.

2.22am Ah, another ad break. Chance to put the kettle on. Coffee time.

2.15am Blimey, there's a long way to go. I don't think I've bought enough snacks. Anyway, before anyone else of importance appears on the red carpet, how about some nice footage of all the other awards, just in case you hadn't had enough?

2.11am James Cromwell of The Artist on the red carpet. Whoop - I met him at the Doha Tribeca Film Festival and he's a very nice chap. He is also quite tall. Or his wife is very small. "He deserves a retirement," he says of Uggie the dog.

2.07am AND WE'RE OFF. It's very early and I very much doubt anyone's reading this, but somebody has to do it. If, like me, you're watching Fox Movies, you might have caught a few minutes of Titanic before. Didn't they look so young?? Thankfully, Kate Winslett isn't up for anything this year so there'll be no painful 'I'm just so normal' speech.

Published: February 27, 2012 04:00 AM

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