"'Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.' - Confucius" Easy for you to say, David Lynch. March 25
"My niece Eva is about to enter her terrible twos. That sounds scary. Any advice?" Yes, Ellen DeGeneres. Run. March 25.
"A shelter put a dog named Twitter up for adoption. While their dog, MySpace, was 'taken to a farm to run & play forever'." We bet it was the same farm our pet hamster, Bernie, went to, eh, Jimmy Fallon? March 26.
"shift key broken period what comma what am I parenthetical thank you auto-correct end parenthetical going to do question mark" Get a new keyboard, Steve Martin, before our eyes explode. March 26.
"Maybe that thick glass at the bank is to protect us from the tellers. Some of them look mean." Looks like Seth MacFarlane is having a tough time running errands. March 27.
"Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups." Riiiiight. We wonder how much cheese Conan O'Brien had to eat to come up with that one? March 28.
"OMG did u hear what @KourtneyKardash just said!!!!???!!! I'm dying laughing" OMG, we totally didn't, Kim Kardashian!!! But, and this is just an educated guess, we're pretty sure whatever it was she said, it did not deserve seven exclamation marks. March 28.